mulberry wine

the table stained
with mulberry wine
spilled in a fist banging
moment

is quiet rage preferable
to loud exclamations
would the stains be less
evident

the ramifications
of wood newly stained
with plump red drops still
sliding

small rivulets of mulberry
extending and expanding
wayward in their path
earthwards

the tale of quick rising
vine fueled wrath
the seeds of maturity long
buried

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

who the dickens are digg?

they banned lesbiatopia

they banned just a girl in short shorts

they banned cap'n dyke...

who are these digg people?

do they practice homophobia?

this is just not cricket....

down with digg ... stand up and be counted!

the witch is back

ding dong ding dong

the witch is back

my five foot nothing, italian/jewish....

princess is back!

weaving her spells, making my knees weak.

yep! and all this from 4000 miles away ;-)

i am so effin' pleased... yihaaaaaa!

walk about

i think it might be time for designatedwriter to take some time off. take a bit of a mental walk about.

this blog was to be about the good and bad times, the trials and traumas of my long distance relationship with herself.

i always imagined that we would be together forever...

the fates begged to differ.

perhaps, some time in the future, cupid's arrow will once more pierce my heart and i will feel the need to write...
about love, lust and laughter.
rather difficult for me to imagine right now, while my heart is still owned by a missing but magical muse.

so...
a break...
a time to mend...

allow me to share a few of the many, many poems i wrote for herself.



love is

a sweet obsession
a chain reaction exploding
heart and mind and soul
allowing fusion of two souls
two bodies
two minds
in one burning nova
designed by the creator
to grow and become as one
in the gentle spirituality
of love forever deepening
never fear the passion
driven by, given by
the universe
in wondrous understanding
of our human separateness
our inability to cleave
one to another
without first experiencing
the magnificent obsession
the fire of the new
engulfing the senses
removing our barriers of protection
in an unending need to experience
the other

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann



would you


would you choose
to be adored
pursued and courted
seldom bored

would you choose
a woman boy
who so desires
to bring you joy

would you choose
the poet's heart
that so yearns
when far apart

would you choose
a mind quite strange
filled with thoughts
allowed free range

would you choose
to share my space
walk together
and keep pace

would you choose
to love me so
eternal endless
timeless flow

would you choose
would you dare
to be together
everywhere

would you choose
the different way
caring not
what others say

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann


lost heart

time staggers from minute to minute
in a drawn out parody of reality
an hour, a day, eternity
the reflected gaze endured
the sight of empty eyes
a mirror of the emptiness
of the mourning soul
the leaden weight of a lost heart
still beating when there is no need

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann


a little less



blue skies today and sunshine
my pain a little less
my heart a little lighter
perhaps love is only an addiction
causing agonizing withdrawal
day three, day seven
three weeks, three months
enduring addictive resurgences
upsurges of regret
for the lost love ,the missing romance
nudging at the brain,causing irritation
feelings of self denial
once more requiring willpower
perhaps love is only a habit
which if resisted will retreat
turning the pain of today
into the gentle memory of tomorrow

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann


obsession


the words which once ran free
stir sluggish in the river bed
run dry in a land of drought
the arid landscape taunts
the wordsmith without prose
lost in a dream without a muse

in self defence the muse has fled
cloak clasped tight around her
face invisible beneath the black hood
a widow without the benefit of death
no longer able to endure the pain
the sharp edge of obsession

no words exist to share the pain
endured by a word spinner sans muse
the careless swirl of inspiration
now absent in a mind grown still
the process of thought dormant
language now a tasteless dish

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann


beloved she
beloved she wolf

words of love
pour sweetly from my mind
my heart, my soul
they flow free and easy
to my fingertips
an eternal outpouring
a celebration of gratitude
for my woman
my beloved she wolf
she who knows my mind
understands the wild in me
she who runs the night with me
enjoying the dark silence
the play of moonlight
the smell of damp earth
revels in the play of wind
she, companion of my days, my nights
she who sees the magic in the stars
wise enough to consider the impossible
strong enough to have faith in the unprovable
she who loves me
for who i am
beloved she wolf

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann


my friend


i lost more than my love
when i walked away
i lost my friend
i lost her laughter and her sparkle
her intelligence and wit
i left behind the fun times
the giggles and the play
the quiet times, so comfortable
the odd comment passed
or sentence read aloud
i lost my friend, my confidant
i left her admiration, her respect
the company of her understanding
i will ever mourn her loss
such a friend is precious
a universal gift

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann



i dream

i dream of you
now at last i dream of you
i dream of you now i have lost you
the mind a subtle torture chamber
taunting with past images
emotional failure
at last allows access
to the memory bed of us

why now
this parade of past happiness
prising me from sleep
in the cold sweat of lost future

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

where would we be

As soon as I was certain I was in love with 'herself'... I came out. I came out to my children, my family and to my friends.
They took the news with admirable aplomb.

I am aware that a few would still prefer me to fall for some hunky, hairy man and resume my previous straight lifestyle.

There might well be one or two who would prefer I take vows, enter a convent and live out my life in celibacy!

Yeah well...and we all know that ain't about to happen.

So, all in all I had a pretty easy ride on the coming out train.

When I moved to Scotland, I felt no particular need to ascend a local steeple and pronounce my queerness. Herself was not in residence with me. There was no one I felt close enough to that I needed to share the simple fact that I was lesbian. After all there is more to me ...
If someone is sufficiently interested in me and they feel a need to ask about anything in my life...
Well, I am a communicator, a master in the art of thought sharing... ask and you will receive.

I met ScotsLass, we worked together, we became friends... she fed me delicious meals, we drank copious glasses of wine, we shared many wonderful hours together. We were really good friends and I had still not mentioned the fact that i was queer.

Until this Thursday. Whilst in the village I popped in for a cup of coffee and a bit of a blether with SL. My friend had a surprise for me... her man had bought her a laptop, come Tuesday next week...they would have an internet connection. SC was delighted she would finally be able to read my blogs!

Oh fudge! I almost choked on my last sip of coffee. Read my blogs... omg...she had no idea of my sexual preferences. She knew of Manfred, the children the grandchildren, she knew I had a very dear friend in the States who I visited frequently.

Time to come clean. For the first time I felt fear. I love this girl...
I value her friendship...
I enjoy her company...
Damn...these days i even understand her Scots accents. Well mostly!

What if...

So I sashayed over to SL and her new laptop, I swallowed...

"ummmm...about my blogs...ummmm...there's something I need to tell you...ummmmm"


By now SL is starting to look rather alarmed, her eyes widen and I imagine the thought process taking place...

"omg...this crazy friend of mine, this nomadic wanderer, this escapee from Africa...
this person who has eaten my food and drunk my wine and petted my dogs...
Eryll, the articulate is soooo tongue tied, her blog must be ... at the very least...pornographic!"

I take my cowardly self in hand...

"Well ummmm...actually...ummm...I'm kind of bi sexual...
my friend..."herself" was actually my lover, my partner"

Bloody hell, what a twit! I ask you with tears in my eyes...kind of bi sexual. That was the best I could do...oy vay!

A smile to light a dark day broke across her face. She threw her head back and laughed...
"Well I had my own suspicions" she said.
"Why were you so nervous about telling me...you idiot...you are my friend!"

Friends...where would we be without them?

I am a true Androgyne

Damn, gliding and sliding through the blogosphere is an exceptionally time consuming occupation. Truth to tell....i sometimes worry (just a tad) that my brain might actually...well, you know...like disappear into the void. Become one with the ether, leaving my forsaken body, slumped over my computer.. to starve. Forget spontaneous combustion as a way out, me i'm going for the net/mind meld.

So anyway, today I followed a comment from HahnatHome

to PiscesDrowning,
from there I followed a link to Lesbiatobia

and finally on to the quiz


Having completed said quiz, a formerly unknown truth was revealed...I am an Androgyne!
Evidently...I am so adaptable...I can live with anyone.
Yup, that's me...one happy little chameleon ;-)
It was a fun quiz and as I am still an apprentice in the lesbian stakes, I am always delighted to come across new and important info. Ask me to define myself...not a problem..I have the answer. I, Eryll, poet and previously straight person... I am an Androgyne.
Which actually sounds somewhat robotic but I can live with that.

Ladies, ladies...should you be desperately seeking...
a previously straight, now definitely lesbian, seriously unattached Androgyne...
I'm your girl ;-)

lesbian drama

ahhh...lesbian drama...

there was a time...i had no idea what that meant...those were the days!

jersey girl and her gf were back together...jubilations. jg was happy, gf was happy and eryll the counselor, the wise, the sensible eryll, could bow out and return to her former more or less responsibility free life style.

it lasted nearly a week.

i was so pleased, i love my friends, i like them to be happy. do not mess with my friends. in the delicate matter of a disagreement between lovers...one must walk the tightrope of sympathy with balanced discretion. after all, we are crossing a chasm, one slip and we are in the abyss. our friend may despise their lover today, tomorrow...they kiss and make up. the world is full of sunshine and our friend should rather not be remembering how we slagged her beloved off...
oh no....

almost a week.

dad nab it...time to kick arse. time to speak out, tell the truth...to hell with delicacy. some people just do not recognize a good deal when they find it.

you have a right to be happy jg...you deserve better...hang in there, believe in your own value

abandoning arrogance or ...

omg...i had absolutely no idea! i was wandering around in woeful ignorance...
the lesbian world has a pecking order...

the farm is very quiet, i am looking for intelligent repartee. i am in dire need of distraction. i am nowhere near ready to hit the dating scene, herself still curls inside my heart in a most proprietary fashion.

what to do... match.com was always the answer in the past, but... my fascination with intelligent, well educated american women...has to end.
match.com uk lacks a certain something, like women who will answer an email or even wink back.

the pinksofa is the only answer, a fun internet site, populated by real women, who will actually engage ...
my heart is not really with the whole process, but i must at least attempt to interact with other single lesbians.
i now only consider profiles with photos, i am through wasting my time...life is short!
and so i found the English Professor...ahbloodyhah! experience, where the dickens would we be without it.goodness only knows what the woman was doing on an internet site. EP disliked writing and reading emails..
and here i must quote, as to keep this pearl of written wisdom to myself. would be selfish and most inconsiderate..

"I do like well punctuated writing as I think it makes it clear. If you don´t mind my saying I think deliberate ommission of capitals and self-concious punctuation can get tiresome. Rather like William Borrows technique of writing the text then mixing it up and letting ther eader make sense of it.

It is also somewhat duplicitous in that it is hiding something about the writer.

I am a teacher of English and Literacy (Post Grad) so am quite keen on this sort of thing. I like reading stuff but it gets tiring as I read and write all the time. So, to me, it rapidly becomes a chore, especially text that is demanding."

well...as we all know i do tend to omit capitals...hmmm
as to self-conscious punctuation...i would not recognize it if it bit me on the arse ;-)

naturally, being the arrogant aristo that i am...
i replied..ah well, it was fun while it lasted!

i digress..lesbian pecking order...
self same EP made a point of informing me that she was not surprised that i turned out to be a disappointment and i quote...

"I lived/live a very lesbian feminist life choosing to be child free. It means that I have a problem understanding women who identify as lesbians but live with men and have their children. I don´t judge you understand but it is a very different experience from mine."

second to last email and i quote ...

"I want to meet someone who has a similar life experience.

You were very charming and I didn´t want to be rude. I thought I would try to get to know you and maybe I would change my mind. However you helped me see who I am looking for - if I am looking for anyone. My partners tend to be women who - like me - are out lesbians. It´s a very different way of being in the world."

lessons to be learned:-

beware polite english professors!

know your place in the pecking order!

stick to writing poetry and blogs!

find out what "out" actually means!

when in need of distraction, take up line dancing!

not bad for two days and a handful of interesting emails....

about blogging

There are three things i especially love about blogging..

the cap'n

margo moon

hahnathome

i enjoy their writing, their style, the subjects they tackle. i appreciate the fact that the world still supports individuality and the unquestionable fact that ...these fine ladies possess it in spades.

the blogosphere provides it's own wisdom, a unique support system and the opportunity to really have fun.
no limits asked for, no limits set.
search and you will find.
freedom to write, freedom to be...

a cowgirl on a ranch
a piratical seadyke
enriched by the experience of lori

there is an ever present magic which draws us towards that which we need at any given time.

for me...these are my blog gurus

blogmeisters

rock on ladies...the pen is indeed mightier than the sword!

oh yeah...another thing i just love... stats, those world maps with all the little bubbles showing where our readers hang their hats...
man, how wicked is that?

permission to wallow

saturday was pretty bleak. the skies of scotland, loomed leaden, as is their wont this time of year. the mists curled up and over the land in the timeless flirtation of air and earth.yesterday, even the rhythm of the intermittent rain, beating on the double glazing sounded cheerless.

herself would have arrived yesterday, her plane would have landed at glasgow at 7.30 in the morning! i would have needed to be up and about really early, glasgow is about a two hour drive from our haunting hills. my girl would have run into my arms and the sun would have started shining, for me, at least.

"breaking up is hard to do", despite my determination to move forward, the magnet of memory, draws my thoughts to the past. memories of our laughter, the feel of herself in my arms, the unsurpassed joy of breathing in the scent of the woman i love.

so...yesterday i gave myself permission to wallow in my grey world, i allowed my sadness to seep through my whole, unhindered. i cried for a future lost.

today, i awake alone. the sky still drips and drizzles, grey clouds still hang low.today however, my reality is different, today i see the robin.

the farmhouse is surrounded by an old, old stone wall. the wall in places, is moss covered. over time stones have moved and fallen leaving crevices and gaps. the robins love this wall, they hippitty hop...on, over and through. they find tasty morsels on the moss covered stones and they use the empty spaces to shelter from the rain.

i guess every life will have empty places, spaces left by those you love as they move on. it took a robin to remind me, that every echoing space has a purpose, that in time, the pain will ease and the memories of love will provide comfort.

chapter's end

i'm done licking my wounds. my time line is rushing by and i definitely feel, i should waste no more of my alloted span in self pity than is absolutely necessary. were i five years younger, this wolf would remain in the lair, lying low, dreaming of if only's and what if's, i would write dramatic heart rendering poetry about lost love and broken hearts. this wolf would howl of misery until the universe sent someone new to shut me up.

herself was a real woman, intelligent and talented, wild and wonderful. she brought love and joy and a new richness to my life. i thank her and i honour her. I wish her a future full of love and magic.

so, no disrespect intentioned to herself, my muse, for my perhaps unseemly rush to throw myself back into life. my eagerness to begin again...
to renew my search for my holy grail.
the she, the her, the one...
my dream sharer, my spell weaver, companion of my heart.
the woman who will share my desire for togetherness and my passion for adventure.
the woman who will understand the wolf and the nomad within and will not fear them.

the end of a chapter is just that. there is always another chapter or even a new book.

secret blog, green frog

hands up if you have a secret blog!

i have lately come to realize the disadvantages of a public blog... emblazoned with my real name and real photo.

i mean damn it! friggin' people i know and love read my blogs. what if i have a desperate need to have a bit of a bitch about ...well, summat, what then? yup... summat as what might concern someone i know and love.

then there is humour...friends and loved ones are just fantastic subjects. ok, so i change names and places and they still say...hey, how dare you write about our private life. hey man, i live in the middle of nowhere...how often do sheep say something funny.

maybe i lack moral fibre, maybe .....

now our esteemed cap'n, the infamous lesbian pirate...not one iota of info about herself is to be found. believe me , i know, i've tried!
what can i say, i was born curious and it only grows worse with age...
apologies cap'n...grovel, grovel...

so i'm thinking...secret blog...topping good idea....


change of subject

my mate lori hahn (aka middle aged lesbian) suggested i try kissing frogs. that girl...she knows what she's about, the very month it stops raining i am out and about, searching for a wee scots frog to kiss. in the meantime (the weather is really sheit), i have been cruising the cute frog pages and i came across this cutie...hope she's a girl who likes girls...

the place called love

leaving a relationship is....

not easy, good days and bad days, days when i couldn't care less and days when i ache with the pain of loss.

that's the thing about love...
falling into it is simple, delightful, sheer pleasure.

falling out of it is another matter entirely.

i believe we have done the right thing, my ex and i. i feel we were moving in ever decreasing circles, neither of us able to provide that which our beloved really needed.

still hurts though, still miss my girl, my friend, my love, my confidant. i wonder sometimes...will i ever have the courage to risk my heart again. i hope so, at the moment both my heart and mind are in the workshop for repair and realignment.

if love is the answer... what is the question?

i must admit that, at this time, i am feeling somewhere between maudlin and hopeful... not an easy place to reside.

i would like to share my poem "the place" with you, it was written from a place of realization, a place where i learned that nothing in life is guaranteed. do i regret unlocking my heart and visiting 'the place called love'? no, there can be no regrets when it comes to love. love is our reason for being, our lesson to learn and our gift to give.

tomorrow, or tomorrow, or tomorrow... i will find the courage to love again.

the place


on reflection
perhaps i was afraid to revisit the place
the place called love
i had lived there before
in total contentment
luxuriating in the safety
of deep commitment
i shared the place
the place called love
with a man, a noble soul
he of the twinkling eyes
the awesome intelligence
he of the gentle spirit
the time will always come i suppose
when one is left
still resident in the place
the place of love
alone, in an agony of disbelief

no more, no more i said,
to live in this place
this place called love
is far too painful
when we love with such devotion
we invite the pain
the pain of separation
i lack the strength, the will
to survive again the loss of love
i will paddle in the shallows
of friendship and companionship
i will ride the waves of passion and excitement
i will never revisit the place
the place called love
i will sail through life
avoiding the depths of emotion
never completely satisfied
yet always invulnerable

she was small
she laughed when i called her small
she was though, small
deliciously padded in all the right places
but still small
perhaps it was more the way she made me feel
with her i was tall, tall and strong
intelligent and talented
i was tempted to revisit the place
the place called love
to sacrifice my hearts devotion once more
to accept the danger
the exquisite risk of unfettered commitment
loss is a lesson not easily forgotten
with relentless precision
it teaches fear, buries it deep
beyond memories reach
where the invisible cape of self preservation
protects us from the place
the place called love

i often wondered at the attraction of her
so powerful and yet so hard to understand
we came from different worlds
separated by custom and culture
my taste in women tilted always to the tall
the leggy blond, refined and understated
yet now i trembled to my very soul
with need and passion
unable to deny myself the pleasure
of her voice, her outspoken defiance
our differences forgotten in the sheer joy
of our amazing compatibility
the miles, the physical distance between us
the impossibility of togetherness
would keep me safe
safe from the future pain
of revisiting the place
the place called love

life however has different plans
we live in chaos, we lack control
it is not our place to decide
the universe chooses with whom we share
the place called love
and so finally i remembered the fear
i realized my pain and my evasion
my mind flooded with the knowledge
of her true place in my life
no more denial, i accept the danger
the fear of future loss
i accept the joy
the total contentment of deep commitment
i will hold her close, request her trust
her love, her all
i will take her hand and ask for her company
her lifelong presence
at my side and in my arms
discovering the place
the place called love

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

the immigrant...continued

winter


i was born in africa
beneath her big blue sky
three days without our sunshine
we wanted to know why
have you ever been to scotland
in winter time let's say
when wind and rain surround the hills
and every day is grey
the cattle in the fields
half hidden by the fog
ground which was once solid
now oozing like a bog
the sheep once brown and dirty
now clean and white again
the super cleansing action
of harsh wind driven rain
the sea is dark and ominous
it rolls it's way to shore
the summer birds which once sun bathed
are sun bathing no more
they huddle in collections
their faces to the breeze
wet and quite bedraggled
enduring winter's freeze
the howling gales arrive
they whistle and they wail
try hard to lift the slate roof
we're lucky if they fail
the windows often rattle
the force of driven rain
comes all the way from ireland
to beat upon our pane
these house walls have been standing
two hundred years or more
no matter what the weather does
it stops right at the door
the central heating kicks in
to keep the stone walls warm
we light the logs and dreaming gaze
at flames e'r changing form
hot chocolate or a wee dram
to soothe and fortify
some people don't like winter
i often wonder why

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

string ties and horses

once upon a time, a long, long time ago ... i used to believe i was strange. why?... you ask...or not, as you see fit. well, i was different, i was not the same, i marched to a different drum ... or so i believed anyway. let's face it, we probably all have a need to feel unique, unusual... and from my own arrogant view point (i have no shame!)...superior.

i enjoy being me, i always have, i have no need to fit into a neatly prescribed slot. i was delighted to find out i was a dyke, albeit a sleeper, totally unaware for the first 56 years of my life.i mean...heck...it explained so much, the desire to wear cowboy/girl hats, the intense disdain for most female attire, the reason i was so happy when string ties and waistcoats came into fashion along with the bell bottoms.i totally loved my school uniform as i got to wear a tie! i still wear a tie at times, it is a fashion statement and has nothing whatsoever to do with my butchy leanings...no really...
i have one dark, deep red tie with small cream elephants...tres elegante. then there is my black and silver tie, when worn with a black suit and a crisp white shirt..ah man...even the straight girls want me!whilst on holiday in florida with herself, her daughter (a charming and thoughtful lass...scarily intelligent) took us to the tutankhamen exhibition at...i think it was west palms...is there such a place...
anyway , it was great, we had fabulous pizza and the exhibition was marvelous ...which reminds me ...i really want to take a trip to london and check out those terracotta warriors. where was i ...ties, oh yeah, so herself bought me a wonderful blue silk tie with gold camels while we were at the exhibition.this small act was a giant concession to my strange love affair with ties, herself considers my desire to strut around in a tie, well...weird, not to mention...embarrassing.

then there was the thing with horses...i was born loving horses and i no way came from a horsey family. i love their smell, their feel, their warm horse breath, their foot stamping, high stepping, dancing and prancing.i rode even though i had no saddle and no idea of how to inform the poor beast of my intentions. i spent a lot of time...on the ground, every now and again unconscious, did i mind...hell no, just get up and try again.there really is no understanding love.
i think i must have been 55 when i visited a medium, i was desperate for a message from my mann. he had no message from beyond, but he told me i walked with a small herd of horses behind me, made perfect sense to me and now when i need them, well...i am able to see them.so perhaps, just perhaps mind...i may actually be a little different!

damn, this is growing into a blog of epic proportions and i still wanted to tell you about a previous life and why i love blogging. never mind...maybe another time.

"a friend in need"

i met jersey girl on an internet dating site while herself and i were on one of our breaks.
we struck up an internet friendship and continued to keep in touch on odd occasions.
about six months ago, herself had decided i was not worth the emotional stress i caused and had assured me she would never speak to me again. she ignored all my pleas for weeks, i was convinced we were done!
jersey girl and i started to internet flirt, which progressed to phone flirt and eventually...jersey girl came up to scotland for the weekend. now, jg and myself were highly compatible, she is a lovely woman, we had a wonderful time together, we enjoy the same music, laugh at the same jokes...as comfortable as a pair of old slippers.i would hesitate to deny... a mutual spark of attraction, but...
i was still hopelessly in love with my muse and jersey girl was still swinging on the rebound pendulum. to cut a long story short, herself decided to re enter my life about that time and i decided that perhaps i should take a step back from my friendship with jersey girl. until ....

jersey girl phoned me, one evening, a couple of days ago. she was very unhappy, it appears she had fallen in love shortly after the last time we were in contact.she had declined to paddle in the shallows and joyfully leaped into the deep waters of real love. quite a few months of blissful amore, jg feeling happy and content, dreaming of happily ever after, when...
the dream shattered.
jg needed someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone to care that she was hurting. she needed to rage and vent and i was the chosen receptacle for her outpouring. we live quite a distance apart and i have never met any of the crowd she socializes with... i am an outsider, unbiased and available.

interesting...the way life works. here i am in mourning for my recently ended relationship and what does the universe send me? why..someone with a similar problem. i hope and pray that somehow jersey girl and her love will put things back together, decide to try again and find success. she has not had an altogether easy life and she deserves a little happiness. in the mean time, i am an ear at the end of a phone line, i listen with sympathy and advise when asked.

jersey girl keeps my phone ringing and my brain occupied, she is indeed 'a friend in need'.

the immigrant...continued

the season to be leavin'


now winter was a'coming
the COLD was drawing near
the winds were up to gale force
the kids began to fear
they had a family meeting
and put it to me straight
we think that you should move inside
we don't think you should wait
i like my independence
i need to do my thing
and so i thought to stay awhile
enjoy the chill wind's sting
my son was flabbergasted
"now, ma" he had to say
"if we leave that small van out there
it's bound to fly away"
ahhh, so i let him tow my van
inside the big courtyard
he tucked it in a corner
the wind blew much less hard
i commandeered a heater
to help fight off the cold
but man, that van was chilly
i now began to fold
i moved into the farmhouse
the room beneath the eaves
where it was warm and cozy
now everyone was pleased

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

free fall

i feel awful, drained, like i have been put through a ringer. i do love you but it is always going to be like this...you on one side of the ocean and me on the other. unable to take care of one another, not there to support when support is needed. i believe that it is our relationship which is making you ill. i have to admit i feel as if my love for you is dying, killed by the separation, the unhappiness, the fact that we are unable to live together as two women in love should do. the excitement, the grand passion is gone, i love you with my whole heart but i think my sense of self preservation has kicked in. my love grows tame and gentle.
we do everything separately, you go to parties without me and have fun. i feel guilty about even wanting to have fun....

Saturday, herself had a party to attend, a friend turning sixty. not a big deal, or maybe i should say that it should not be a big deal. did make me think though....
of all the family celebrations i still attend alone, of how good it would be to share my everyday life. the sheer cat like pleasure of waking next to the one you love. the small sharings...a passage in a book you are reading, chuckling together over some small idiotic happening. the glorious, simple pleasure of sharing an everyday life with the one you love. so yes...i was feeling somewhat sullen. the single life is not really my cup of tea. come sunday morning and i felt the need to express my emotions in words and i wrote...

free fall


i feel i am in free fall
my life, swift passing by
no goal in sight, no master plan
forgotten how to fly

there was a time, not long ago
when i was in command
i contemplated, organized
life went as i had planned

somewhere, somehow, some point in time
my life slipped off the leash
where once my choice was steak and veg
i now was handed quiche

so chaos reigns, no sweet design
to concentrate my mind
no parachute to break my fall
this girl is flying blind

i know that soon i will recoup
once more i'll beat the odds
i'll claim my life and make it mine
and damn the chaos gods

i'll take a breath and raise my eyes
i'll see the stars and moon
with arms of steel i'll seize my life
oh goddess make it soon

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann


sunday evening (my time), herself called, she was very upset as she had planned to visit me early december and was having a problem finding someone to take care of her cats. she also felt the need to inform me that she has been deathly ill for quite a while... another reason she might not be able to fly over. herself had not previously told me she was ill as she did not want me to worry! i was gobsmacked...we have been together for three years and she feels no need to tell me she is ill until she is about to cancel our time together. i held my tongue.

i wish i could claim to be a self sacrificing, saintly sort of soul. i can't, i ain't ....i will turn myself inside out for the one i love BUT i expect them to do the same. i was not happy. when we first fell in love i would never have believed that three years down the line, our times together would still be affected by the availability of cat sitters. enough already, time to fish or cut bait!

i called back. one last time...i asked her to marry me. i asked her to move in with me, i needed more than a long distance relationship.time to choose...

"this is not the right time, eryll. i am emotionally distraught and you are starting again!"

there is never a right time....

"this is not love eryll! i am in pain and you insist on kicking me when i am down, at my lowest ebb. this is not love eryll! i have always been honest with you, i have told you again and again that i was unable to leave..."

there is never a right time....

i am only human, we agreed to part.

the immigrant...continued

english is a language

now English is a language
which many of us speak
but let me say just one thing
the English are unique
they have these English accents
quite different from my own
it took six months to understand
a fact i had not known
and then, when i could almost know
most every word they said
i up and moved to Scotland
where they speak Scots instead
well actually, it's English
but one would hardly guess
the accent is so Scottish
i understood it less
it purrs and growls and rolls the r's
it lilts and dips and sways
plus Scot's have heaps of their own words
och, language is a maze

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

i can do photos

ailsa craig

friendly debate


wonder where the prevailing wind blows from...

from a to z, the beginning

sometimes i wonder...exactly how i arrived at where i am today.
i mean...i was straight, most definitely...well i would have thought so...
a tomboy - yes, all my life. i preferred cars and toy guns to dolls and tea parties. my brother was three years younger than me, he mostly did as i suggested in the early days ... before his masculinity asserted itself.
when we played, i would be john and he would be mary.
fortunately this gender bending caused him no deep psychological scars,
when i was old enough to care... i would choose shorts or jeans over a dress... everytime. by the time i was eleven i had rolled the sides of my old panama school hat, voila! i had my very own cowgirl hat. i was different and i didn't give a damn.
i fancied boys. i fell in love with and married a wonderful man. never, in my wildest dreams, would i have imagined that i would one day fall in love with a woman...

two years into my widowhood i realized i was lonely, i had shared my life in the most complete and wonderful way for thirty six years. living alone without the comfort and companionship of a beloved partner was an exercise in empty. yes, i was still completely in love with my mann but he had moved on and i needed someone in my life. my very own someone, with whom to explore the infinite possibilities of today amd tomorrow.

fifty six years old and at a crossroads...
i needed to find a new love. trouble was, i no longer fancied blokes. the thought of replacing my beloved with another man...quite frankly sucked. i did try, i joined internet dating sites and corresponded with some really nice fellows. small problem...in the end they all wanted to meet and i would realize that i could not, perhaps would not. i was lonely, i was not ready.

what to do, what to do...
look for a woman to love! elementary my dear watson. i guess that the eryll who loved women had slept long enough. she had slept through my childhood, my wonderful life long love affair with manfred, she had slept through my mommy days. her time had come and she awoke, stretched and yelled OMG!

the immigrant...continued

the caravan

my children moved to scotland
said "ma, won't you come too
we've bought a farm with lots of land
we'll take good care of you"
so once again i packed and moved
to ayrshire's western shore
with rolling hills and craggy isles
can't wait to tell you more
we bought a little caravan
in which i might abide
it was not new, but second hand
they took us for a ride
the water pump, it failed to work
the fridge would not stay cold
but otherwise the van was fine
it was not all that old
of course there was the seeping smell
of leaking gas and such
but if you did not try to cook
it really was not much
i learned to turn the gas line off
and never strike a light
after all this was my home
don't want it to ignite
there was a tiny tiny room
contained a porta potty
quite useful in emergencies
and when your bowel is knotty

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

"wrap my words around you" daniel beddingfield

now i really wanted to insert this link into the main body of "more on LDR's"...
however...a technodyke i most certainly am not...sigh...damn thing would not work! i love this song, really wish i had written the lyrics myself....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yYdrX1f4zE

more on LDR's

so now ... where was i...i had decided to stop ranting and bitching about herself's addiction to living in the usa. ah... the wisdom of age! of course i was still bubbling on a kind of very low simmer ... i'm not old enough to be that wise...

now herself's computer had been down, out of commission, kaput and herself had not read said whiny, bitchy blogs. until...omg who would have known ...her friends read my blogs, yoiks! most of my lady's friends are engaged in the practice of psychotherapy, as indeed, is herself. so what would be more natural than for them to inquire...

"how do you feel about eryll's blog?"

"how do i feel about what?"

hah! hah indeed!

never the less, our relationship has returned to a more even keel. in all truth, herself is a writer...
she would rather i wrote about her than i not write at all.
my lady was eventually persuaded that everything i write about her, is in fact, a love letter. which, strangely enough is actually true.

due to the small problem of an ocean between us, i may not always be able to wrap my arms around her but i expect i will forever "wrap my words around"(thank you daniel)her. herself is, after all, the most intriguing woman i have ever met.

i will always hold a little hope in my heart, that one fine day, herself will feel an irresistible urge...
to move across the atlantic and pitch her tent in the green hills of ayrshire. after all, how many women have such an opportunity... a chance to cohabit with such an interesting, impossible, adorable, aggravating, intelligent, unemployed, nomadic type of character?

the immigrant...continued

take out


the chippie is so warm
when you come in from the grey
the portions too are really huge
enough to eat all day
but somehow i can manage
to finish every scrap
it isn't even difficult
not now i have the knack
haddock or cod with mushy peas
a pie with chips and gravy
i bet the fish is not this fresh
not even in the navy
the Chinese buffet really is
a taste to tempt a saint
eat all you want, a siren call
to feast without restraint
the naan bread and the poppadums
of Indian cuisine
they help to fill the spaces
with a curry in between

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

getting to know

i learned of central heating
of windows double glazed
of duvet togs and thermal wear
i really was amazed
so much to see, so much to learn
the Christmas lights were great
fog and snow and lots of rain
and then there was my weight!
well, English food is something
i find hard to refuse
the shops so filled with wondrous things
it's difficult to choose
instant mash and instant meals
there is no need to cook
retail has remade our lives
don't need a cooking book

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

i love to rhyme

truth to tell i have a little writer's block...
in all probability brought on by guilt.
why guilt?... well there is a lot of fairly important STUFF i need to accomplish this week. the boring, the mundane. the everyday details of starting over on a new piece of the planet.

so... i am about to cheat. i love to rhyme and whilst others often have incredibly useful talents, me i have a rare talent in the art of rhyme.

when 'they' speak of the need to follow your bliss, a few things come to mind... loving and laughing and rhyming. if i ever discover a way to earn a living through rhyme...
i might well be tempted to enter the world of the gainfully employed.

a while back i started to write a series of rhymes about my experiences in my new country. i fully intended to complete an entire series which would be published and make me lots of yummy money. i even had the title ... 'the immigrant'! ah- the good old days, i was still an innocent... the time before i discovered that my poetical writings were unlikely to feed and clothe me, let alone finance the roof over my head. i have since come to realize that as a poet, i should be searching for a patron to support my art. anyone out there know of a patron looking for a poet to support?

yeah well... so much for writer's block...



leaving with panache


i used to live in Africa
i left in quite a hurry
my children are all Brits you know
and Africa means worry
God bless the queen and Tony Blair
my daddy he was British
entitling me to residence
and now my kids were skittish
i sold my house, i packed my bags
departed with panache
on board the plane i drank a lot
and hoped it would not crash
i made it safe to England's shores
November time of year
ah yes the skies were very grey
and raining too i fear
they took me to the little house
they'd organized for me
we talked and shopped and ate as well
and then they left me be

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

revenge

one thirty
in the morning
i wake
night sweat drenched
again
my body does that
revenge
no doubt
for my affair
with deodorants

enough already

enough already with the ranting.
negativity is an uncomfortable traveling companion.

the thing about love

if we only learn one lesson in life, let it be love. love may seem a fairly basic emotion, albeit divided into numerous sub groups and types. the lesson we most need to absorb is simple to state, difficult to accomplish.

love is as much a gift to the giver as it is to the receiver.
if we are able to remove our ego's from our love offerings, love becomes eternal.time and distance lose their power.

so much love...so little time...
don't save it...spend it...

whoops...well i guess we can forget cohabitation

of late, herself has often informed me that she would not be able to live in scotland too wet, too grey, too expensive. plus uk vitamins (very important detail) are weak and wishy washy in comparison to usa brands.
herself has two cats who are very dear to her heart, no way would she be able to leave them behind, she could not fly them over either as (so i'm told) many pets die in the holds of aircraft whilst in transit.
herself has two adult daughters, wonderful, intelligent women. both enjoy interesting and challenging careers, both are in loving and settled relationships.herself feels she would feel lost without their occasional company.
herself has many wonderful friends with whom she spends many hours, chatting on the phone. she has a great attachment to these ladies and feels emotionally dependent on them ... they live in the usa.
i am about to move into a two bedroomed mobile home on my kid's farm in south ayrshire. herself assures me that no way would she be able to exist in such a confined space with myself! forget the 33 acres of rolling ayrshire fields, forget one of the worlds most beautiful views, forget the fact that in place of rent all i have to do is an occasional bit of house sitting.

well ... by now my reader has probably come to the conclusion..."what a yogurt top! why on earth would eryll the exemplary idiot still be hanging around with hope in her heart..."
precisely!... but love is a strange and powerful emotion and hope springs eternal. uhuh...

i might mention that had i been possessed of even an ounce of common sense ... i would have ridden off into the sunset about eighteen months ago. yeah that is probably a fair time line. at the time i was living in the market town of bicester near oxford (well near enough!). i had decided to buy my lady a ring, i would ask her to marry me the next time i paid herself a visit.i had a most wonderful time, haunting the cobbled streets of oxford, searching for the perfect ring (well, within my ability to pay of course..). now being a born and bred south african, i know my diamonds, i am picky... small and perfect is better than big and flawed. well, that's my story and i'm sticking to it!
eventually i found the ring, her ring, the ring i would give her to seal our commitment. the ring which would prove to her that i was a woman with serious intentions, unafraid of commitment and ready to cohabit.

now herself is very attached to the ocean, the breaking waves, the shifting sands, the gentle sea breeze. where else should i take herself to pop such a life changing question...
a romantic stroll along the shore, the breeze in our hair, the seagulls gliding overhead whilst the sun lit a golden fire on the ocean...
well that was the romantic, poetic setting i envisaged...
the actual day turned out grey with howling winds and spitting rain...
yeah, yeah... i know, but that damn ring was burning a hole in my pocket and i was eager, nay ... desperate to ask the question and rejoice at her answer.

so we stood together on jones beach and i asked...
and herself answered .... "NO! No way! i don't believe in marriage. i'm sorry but no..."

was i mortified...oh yeah! was i angry...oh yeah! to this day i will never understand why i did not pack my bags and take the next flight home.
the undeniable fact is...i did not, eryll the aristo, eryll the arrogant...stayed in new york. herself , the therapist explained to me that her refusal did not mean she did not love me, it did not mean that we would not be together...eventually...one day...

for the next year our relationship was a little rocky. i was hurt and angry ... fact is i was gob smacked! i tried to leave herself, time after time. i just could not stay away, i would have to beg forgiveness and worm my way back into her affections. it was a difficult time, she must have hated me as i fought to balance my love for her with my deep need for a relationship which involved ...being together, for some what more than a month or so of every year....

eventually i came to realize that i was destroying our love and that if i wanted to remain with herself...
well...i would have to shape up or ship out! so, roughly six months ago i released my anger and removed my mask. let the woman see the real me, let her discover how deep our love really was. sooner or later, herself would have an ahah moment and find that she could no longer live without me at her side.she would learn to love scotland, the rain, the grey, the howling gales. she would remember that really strong vitamins could be purchased over the internet. she would appreciate the fact that i had sky installed so that herself could keep up to date with american news, she would be amazed that i had sky talk plus as my call provider, allowing FREE phone calls to the states, herself could chat to her dear friends as if she was next door!

hope is a cruel mistress...

cohabitation

cohabitation

tonight i am lonely and mad as a snake, i am very thankful for ice, for jack daniels and for nicotine. how all those clean living folks manage without these necessities of life is beyond me...

before i even start, let me state unequivocally... i am not perfect! bloody hell, what an admission to have to make. i am arrogant and hellbent on having my own way.
i enjoyed a wonderful relationship with my man and our marriage lasted 36 wonderful years. we shared so much and loved so deeply that i only realized my fascination with women two years after his death.

so...naturally i am looking for more of the same. love and marriage/civil partnership(civil partnership has a kind of unromantic ring don't you think? but if that is the best THEY can do for us, who am i to complain!), fun, mutual support, respect and companionship, romance and happily ever after. and yeah, let's not forget sex, think i might be prepared to skip on the three kids this time around...

i believe in love, i believe in togetherness, i believe in fidelity... i believe it is natural to live in the same house and share the same bed...
i believe that people who love whole heartedly and pledge fidelity to one another should at least live in the same effin' country.....

now you all, might be wondering ... or not, as the case may be...
"what the devil is the girl on about?"
well...tonight on our trans atlantic call(at my daughter's house because my damn phone is yet to be reconnected...despite the promises of various bt employees...sigh), herself said some stuff...which really pissed me off....
and i became huffy, really huffy and said nasty stuff..
and then i came home to emails from herself which pissed me off even more (which one would have hardly believed possible)...
i mean ... really...and i quote herself...

"YOU SAY NOT TO LISTEN TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY BECAUSE YOU BECOME CRUEL-you are

i love you eryll-i am sorry this is such a hard time for you

please don't be resentful of my knowing what is ok for me

if i were to be with you

i would be
depressed
resentful
sullen
you would simply have to pack me up and send me home-i do know what is ok for me right now"
(i have edited this email)

yeah well, if you wanna date a therapist!
and now, well now, i am imbibing JD and writing, how else is one expected to cope with a long distance relationship?


oh yeah, so where was i ...
crazy in love with a stranger ...who thought i was crazy...

more on matters concerning cohabitation

herself and i met on an internet dating site... the 1st november 2004. i fell like a ton of bricks for a woman i had never actually met, her profile did not even have a photo up. what do they say? "love is blind", quite literally true in my case. casting my mind back, i am prepared to admit, perhaps, that maybe for a while, it may have been infatuation...
of course at the time, had anyone expressed such an imbecilic view ... well, i would have torn the head from their shoulders.

herself had seen my photo on the site, she was not impressed, thought i looked like "a gardener". yeah, yeah...nothing wrong with looking like a gardener but i guess to a lady accustomed to new york style...
i am sort of... basic, the south african sun and my hatred of all things oily, creamy, moisturisish, has left me kind of... well, maybe a little rugged. not that any of this is a problem ... "check the worry in my eyes!" me, myself, i am entirely convinced that i am one of the all time best looking women on the planet.
she enjoyed my mind though and tolerated my protestations of instant undying love. herself is a therapist and has recently shared the following with me ..."i knew you were crazy but i kinda liked you anyway". bullshit man, i must be a therapist's dream lover .. no wonder she found me fascinating!

to be continued...maybe...

hard labour

maggots! another rainless day, the weather gods are conspiring against me... sigh...
my wee patch of lawn is ripe for the mowing, every time i put my foot out of the door or glance out of the window, i feel guilt.

i am not a gardener, no way. my man used to take care of all that, back before he took up tending a more heavenly garden.

back home in south africa i had a marvelous gardener. piet was terrific, he would arrive once a week at the crack of dawn and sort the place out! All i had to do was supply a hearty breakfast and lunch and and keep piet hydrated with numerous cups of hot, very sweet tea. of course, once a month there was the small matter of a financial exchange in his favour, but, hell man, money could never buy what that man did for my garden.

that was way back when...
since moving to the uk, i have of necessity tended my own garden...sigh. did i say i was not a gardener? since being hurled into premature menopause (way before my time i might add), by the drug tamoxifen... well, i sweat, no really, i sweat. i still sweat even though i am now long past the hot flushes etc of a menopausal me. i used to be one of those folks who always had cold hands and feet ... no more, i burn baby, burn.

now mowing and digging and raking is warming work, even in scotland, even in october. my hair becomes plastered to my head, sweat drips off the end of my nose, my glasses fog up. oh yeah, and who really enjoys spearing poor innocent earthworms anyway?

saddle up

yeeehah! time to saddle up and ride ...
i have joined the posse of margo moon and starr ann!
dang, please forgive me if my cowgirl talk ain't quite authentic, i am only recently grown accustomed to och, aye and outwith ...

time also to admit that i have been secretly visiting "the mound" flag ship of cap'n dyke, lesbian pirate queen. truth is the cap'n is so similar in looks to... (she, whose name i dare not mention) that i grow weak at the knees of my unaccustomed sea legs. iffen herself were to discover i was frequenting 'the mound" and discover for herself the good cap,n's likeness to .. (she, whose name i dare not mention) 'nuff said ...trouble would be brewing across the atlantic. herself consistently objects to the roving ability of my eyes and in no way feels it necessary to support me in my never ending appreciation of the female form.

the world of blog ... what a wondrous place, a world of words, information, disinformation, truth and lies, humour and tragedy, a world of adventure and excitement, a realm where the word wizards rule!
viva!

a matter of cohabitation

truth to tell ... long distance relationships suck ...

yesterday was herself's birthday and i was not there to celebrate with her ... sigh...

yourselves might be wondering ..."what is it with these two, almost three years together and they can't get their act together?"

well...on the one hand...

green card

america america
great land of the free
i really must explain
just what you mean to me
a man may love a woman
who lives across the sea
and a woman love a man
together hope to be
and if they wish to marry
your country gives them entry
the sacrament of marriage
makes visas elementary
but woman who loves woman
you find a tad distasteful
to make this girl american
my god! would be disgraceful
no interest in our love
no matter how we care
in law we may not marry
and immigrate ....don't dare
and so i need to mention
my sweethearts human rights
to live, to love and to pursue
a lover for her nights
your country born in freedom
should not discriminate
the fact that we love woman
should be beyond debate


All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

yeah and that is only part of the problem! more, in depth explanations to follow ....

when you sleep alone

herself has fled scotland's green shores and...
i find myself in dire need of some positive thinking ...

when you sleep alone

consider the joys
of a double bed
when you sleep alone
and remain unwed
free to stretch
to wriggle and squirm
to twitch and thrash
to toss and turn
pile on the covers
or toss them aside
when you sleep alone
there is no one to chide
talk in your sleep
snuffle or sneeze
your bed is your own
to do as you please
if you happen to snore
you may never know
because there is no one
to tell you so
when you wake up
in the dead of night
no one will moan
when you turn on the light
if you eat in bed
if you watch tv
there are no complaints
there is no one to see
so never object
complain or groan
enjoy your bed
when you sleep alone

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

finding loch lomond

a fine day...
exactly the kind of day on which to bundle ones sweetheart into the rav and ....
drive to loch lomond ...
not as far as loch ness (a place herself would really like to visit),i now feel a need to watch the carbon footprint on any trip. multimap have certainly curtailed my wanderings since they decided to include carbon footprint info along with requested directions.not that i'm complaining, mind ...saves me money and portrays me as more green than mean!

i checked out the route on my "map of the uk", seemed simple enough ...hmmmm
must have missed a turn off ... ended up driving in glasgow city centre with herself gazing at me in admiration. why admiration you may well ask? well damn ... did i or did i not stop and ask for directions, an act of extreme humility on my part. the instructions for escaping glasgow were simple enough... turn right, at the second set of traffic lights turn right again, follow the signs to loch lomond. oh yeah? i must have missed a set of traffic lights, we ended up heading back from whence we had just departed.
herself was growing slightly concerned, she remembers our trip to stonehenge - but that is another story....
at the next traffic light, herself wound done her window and in her inimitable bronx accent, informed the world and the cabby next to us that we were looking for dumbarton. dumbarton being a place on the route to loch lomond. the cabby, significantly impressed by herselfs sheer americaness,was stunned into being most helpful... twice stopping and leaping out of his cab to point out the correct way.
so ... now we were on the right route, signs everywhere pointing the way to dumbarton, the erskine bridge came into view ...great... we needed to cross the clyde river...
we crossed the bridge. the next road sign read greenock/irvine ...huh? we were on the wrong side of the clyde, we were heading west, we were a damn sight closer to home than we were to loch lomond!
now, i will tell the truth and shame the devil ... i am damn good at becoming lost, one might even look to me as some kind of expert in the art of arriving elsewhere...
this loch lomond lark was a fish of another sort, even herself feels that we entered some type of alternate universe in order to end up where we did!

did we ever find loch lomond...no! but i did locate a castle for herself to admire, unfortunately it was closed to the public, some scottish castles close for the winter. but we walked up to it, admired it, wondered how old it might be. it was next to the water, we walked on a rather less than robust wooden pier, out into the clyde.it was beautiful, one of those magical moments lovers are fortunate to enjoy.

we bought sandwiches at an m & s, and crisps and chocolate puddings in plastic cups. we parked the car and enjoyed a picnic lunch looking out over the firth of clyde.
the bonnie, bonnie banks of loch lomond will have to wait for another day...

the weather

in scotland, it rains, a lot. as summer retreats and winter invades ... it rains even more.

with herself about to spend time with me and the month being october ... i was worried. myself, i am not overly concerned with the weather but ... how would my new york muse react? herself is very fond of sunshine and not particularly fond of grey/ wet/ drizzle/ rain.

the day of her arrival i checked the bbc weather site for ayrshire ... ten day forecast ... ten days of cloud and rain!
but no, the weather gods have smiled on me and we have enjoyed days of warmth and sunshine. as in camelot ... it has rained at night!

the departure

hah! today is the day. more correctly perhaps, tonight is the night. herself flies out from newark at 10.10pm on her way to glasgow.

newark being the most intriguing word in the above sentence.
why you might wonder? herself and i are old hands at flying between jfk and the uk, we are what you might call seasoned pros, cross atlantic flights hold no terrors for us. my lady lives but half an hour from jfk, an easy taxi ride, no problems.
when we first met i was residing in a small market town called buckingham, a mere toddle to drive to heathrow. of course myself can turn even this straight forward trip into something of an adventure. the first time my lady came to visit, i picked her up at heathrow and proceeded towards buckingham on the m25. as i remember i think her flight came in round about 11.00 pm. a little while into the journey herself indicated she might well be in need of a pit stop.i pulled in at the next services. herself visited the ladies and we enjoyed a cuppa.

it was a dark and stormy night, there are many entries and exits to these services. the uk is a nation of traffic circles and i am but an innocent south african unused to the complexities of travel in the civilized world. half an hour later, i started to wonder, the road seemed comparatively quiet and darker than usual. herself started to give me "the look" (my very first experience of said look!). "eryll, are you lost?"... of course not, i don't get lost, i sometimes take the scenic route. and then... drum roll ...i noticed the road sign. oh yeah, i was driving my honey home...via wales. whoops! a less than august start to my lady's first visit to my side of the pond!

of course, i have since moved (thoughtlessly!) to scotland. in pursuit of togetherness we now have to journey an extra leg ... heathrow/glasgow and vice versa. the extra flights are pestiforous, time consuming and expensive. herself, a highly educated lady decided it was time for some research. dicovery... there are two flights a week from newark, direct to glasgow. less expensive and no running from terminal to terminal at heathrow.
now ... and herein lies the crunch...herself must now catch a train into penn station and then catch another to newark and then take the sky train to the airport terminal.perhaps a little more complicated than her previous, half hour taxi trip to jfk.

the journey begins to assume the proportions of an epic adventure! do not giggle younger people! ourselves are no longer in the first flush of youth and my lady, unlike myself, has no nomadic leanings. she has spent the past thirty plus years living in ONE house, in ONE street, in ONE town. i realize you may find this fact hard to believe, but i swear it is the truth! so, after much thought and a trial run, the princess has decided to bring only one small bag, which she will carry on board, thus making the multiple train journeys a little easier.

however, tension still runs high, sleep evades my darling and her appetite is lost. please send positive vibes, white light and rainbows. let the journey be smooth and uncomplicated, then all i will have to do is...
spend the next two weeks reminding herself of why i am worth all the drama!

junk mail, scams and gorgeous girls

junk mail, scams and gorgeous girls

herself and myself were having one of our “rest” periods, a break. in other words ... i must have said something...ummm...tactless, stupid, hurtful.

i spent 36 years of my life happily married to a male of the species ... he had to deal with me, my ups, my downs, my moods, indeed the fact that i am woman. i must admit, i never really appreciated his balance, his innate ability to “fix” things, his patience. nope took the whole lot for granted!
what am i trying to say ...living with a woman ain't easy!
i thought it would be a walk in the park. two loving, sensitive women (and dare i mention the word...mature) involved in a transatlantic relationship. what could possibly go wrong , hah...the innocence of the uninformed.

i digress, back to the subject of this blog.
yeah ... rest period, which would mean....
“eryll, you can go to hell, i never want to lay eyes on you again, you are the most self unaware person i have EVER met, you are self centred, spoiled and selfish and don't bother to answer this email because i have blocked you!!!” omg how i love that woman...
so i would feel righteous and huffy for all of say ...24 to 36 hours and then i would retire to my computer to write of my broken heart, my agony, my loss...
when i ran out of words, i would resort to trawling various lesbian dating sites, my two favourites being ... match.com and pink sofa.

and then i came across, let's call her sofia... her photo was, beautiful, she looked like a film star and she had winked at me, she wanted to chat! i decided that being dumped and single was not all bad, beautiful girls were chasing my rather wrinkled “middle aged” self. we chatted, she liked my look, she had grown up in france and was now a model in london, sofia wanted my name, my address, my everything. now i may be gullible but i am not an innocent, sofia was too good to be true and i don't give out my personal information to strangers. even i realized ... sofia might be a man, a naughty school child, a con artist. so, i high tailed it out of the chat room and that was that, except for the fact that sofia had my real, actual email address. sucker!

i started to experience “the nigerian scam”, government officials from african countries begged me to allow them to deposit huge amounts of money in my bank account. dear old, titled ladies, dying of cancer, with no kin to leave their fortune to... begged me to accept their monies...they trusted that i would distribute above mentioned funds to worthy causes. I have won so many lotteries, i have lost count, yahoo and microsoft contact me to inform me that today is my lucky day, their computers have chosen me and i am rich. my favourite by far is paypal asking me to confirm a payment, that one looks so official i almost forgot that i don't have a paypal account. oh yes, the bait was sweet but the hook is painful! but was that the end of my naivety, i guess not.

my lady is a writer and she travels no where without her lap top, said computer is so well used that numbers and letters have worn away. this aged lap top, this faithful companion... is tired. herself would very much like a new computer but unfortunately she finds herself with more pressing demands on her purse. the purchase of a new computer becomes a pretty low priority. so there i was wandering around cyber space when .... up popped a sign... you have won a laptop, press here to choose which of the three you would prefer. yeah, i know, big time sucker! these scams use our own greed against us and i was greedy to present my lady love with a new computer. what harm is there any way, in pressing a few buttons, answering a few questions ... well worth a bash in pursuit of a free laptop. well, i kept answering questions and pushing the “next” button until i finally realized i had not won, there was no prize ...sigh. “no such thing as a free lunch, nothing for nothing” the words of my youth mocked me. now, it appears the whole world owns my email address! no need for me to buy expensive american drugs, the canadian pharmacy will supply all i need. would i like a bigger cock, longer lasting erections, large breasts. the emails pile themselves into my inbox, pretending to be from private people and reputable businesses. i am told i must need pirating equipment, fake rolex watches, a get rich quick idea, the list is endless. an unstoppable avalanche, between 50 and 100 a day!

a word from the recently wiser, avoid good looking women and free gifts. the way to hell is paved with unsolicited emails.

pillow talk

the air is crisp, the sun is shining and i am filled with joyful anticipation. on tuesday 2nd october, herself arrives at glasgow airport. it has been two long months since we were last together. in my book, one day apart is too long and sixty plus days is just ridiculous.

long distance affairs have their own perks and problems. one of the perks being the fervent emotions aroused by separation and distance. we have never quite managed to move into the mundane, the every day , because our time together is rare and therefore doubly precious.
the problems ... well i would never dare to speak for herself, so you will need only to endure my view point!

arguing over the phone or via email is big time dangerous! no eyes to read, no body language to understand. feeling slightly off, bit bitchy ... wanna make trouble? the long distance relationship is a quagmire of sinking sand, dip a toe in and before you know it you are eating grit girl. herself is a master of disengagement, when she is mad, well, she is mad....
communication zero!
i have written some of my best poems whilst grovelling and begging for forgiveness. three years together... i have learned, i don't look for trouble any more ... life's too short. plus... for me ... there is only herself. the woman of my dreams, the writer of tales, the mender of minds, my muse and my mentor. five foot nothing of fiery new yorker, italian extraction...could i ask for more.
when she talks about italian cheeses, omg it sounds like pillow talk.

my choice

to have what i want
is what i most need
to make do with out
is frustration indeed

so what should i do
if the thing i desire
is as easy to grasp
as a handful of fire

acceptance, not easy
i like my own way
perhaps i should change
what i want for today

try something different
some what new and unique
if i change my mind
will i find what i seek

if i learn to want
the things which are mine
will i have what i need
will my life turn out fine

i think it is easier
to take life as it is
accept there aren't answers
cause life's not a quiz

remember to breath
to love and rejoice
how i feel each moment
is all my own choice

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

i eat meat

my girl friend had slight leanings towards vegetarianism when i first met her. these leanings have developed and she now only partakes of the flesh of fish. the rest of the animal kingdom are out of bounds and off the edible list as far as she is concerned. actually, the fish of the world are almost certain to join her inedible list...some time pretty soon. in my home country, i can sense a summer storm, many hours before it happens. i sense full blown veganism on the horizon as far as my girlfriend is concerned. herself has no objection to me eating meat, as long as i do not cook it in her kitchen!

one would think, that trans atlantic phone calls between lovers would be spent discussing more romantic issues...
but no, give us half a chance and we will debate... well ...anything. tonight i was looking for trouble, india had just beaten south africa in the 20/20 world cup cricket, effectively throwing us out of the rest of the tournament. i love cricket, i love rugby, especially when south africa is playing. i am now a loyal scot, until...scotland v south africa! so perhaps i was feeling the need to argue the point about something ... in fact anything.

this evening it was our different views on the breeding and rearing of cattle for our selfish consumption. my lady stresses that we no longer need to consume the flesh of animals. now what kind of a point is that? just because we do not need to do something we should abstain? i think not.

another of our favourite topics is "evil". herself being a firm believer in the existence of evil, whilst i take the view that some of us are damaged, causing us to function in a less than desirable manner.
my lady grew up in the bronx, whilst i grew up in africa. she reads literature whilst i read anything i can get my hands on. she enjoys foreign films, they bore me. how we ever met and fell in love is a complete mystery. life is a wonder, love is a mystery and humanity is an interesting concept.....

the next time

herself phoned last night, think she kinda misses the hooky feeling in her flesh when i am absent! i tried really hard to sound cold, distant and disinterested ...after all, she was berating me for having mentioned her naked arse in my blog. "why are you reading my friggin' blog, thought you were done with me" i inquired, attempting icy and achieving ... maybe luke warm. took me all of ten seconds to fold...damn she is just so cute.
so enough already... with the drama, the next time we break up i will keep my own counsel.

sometimes love is not enough

sometimes love is not enough

my muse no longer finds me amusing...
and i quote ... "you are a hook in my flesh"

i am deeply influenced by the experiences of my childhood and the essential wisdom of my parents. in our home there was a small carved plaque which read ... "never give up, God is faithful". i believe in pursuing my dreams, in fighting for what i believe in, i believe in love and forgiveness and doing my best. i believe in courage and conviction, in honour and truth.
it is now time to admit the absolute truth to myself ... i believe when two people find one another, when they chance across a soul mate and fall in love ...
i believe they should live together, in order to cherish and sustain life's most precious commodity, love.
it is time to call "time".
time to admit to myself and the world that i have pursued this dream for long enough. time to admit that love is not always enough and that it is perfectly possible to love someone and yet make that person thoroughly miserable.

and so ... i offer my love, my muse, an irish blessing...
and a letter from our past...

An Old Irish Blessing
"May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand."
Anon

the small things

it is in the small things that i find you unforgettable. the soft sigh which escapes your throat as you settle back on your bed, this almost soundless sigh, travels the wire strung across the sea bed, crosses the atlantic and comes to my ear. and i am able to see you, to smell you almost reach out and touch you.

i love your chuckle, the rising peal of your laughter, assuring me that you enjoy my company, my conversation and my wit. i love to listen to the presence of your voice, i feed off the loving empathy delivered in your inimitable bronx accent.

i would never have imagined ... making love to a small italian/american, naked but for her bed socks. socks and sex... no way ... in you my darling they spell unforgettable. the wonderful sight of your seriously naked arse, jitterbugging up the stairs before me ... the stuff of dreams.

sitting in your car, always the driven, never the driver ... reaching out to touch your leg, hearing the pleasure in the sharp intake of your breath. you reaching across and kissing me, with meaning, right there at the stoplights, in front of the world. proud to love me, proud to be my lover.

the little pizza restaurant, you and i at a plastic table, with paper plates and plastic forks. coke in a bottle with a straw, diet for my darling. delicious melt in the mouth pizza, oil from melted cheese running down our chins. followed by those delicious little deep fried dough balls, drowned in icing sugar. you would always ask for extra icing, sticky fingered, icing sugar everywhere. sharing.

i could write forever, i probably will, because you are ingrained in my heart and soul. you will always be with me in the small things. we may no longer be promised to one another, we may consider ourselves free....free to move on, to try again, to hope for more. but i will never be free because in you i discovered a magnificence, the wonder of my woman,you are simply irreplaceable sweetheart.

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

yesterday today tomorrow

another tomorrow


i live in a twilight world
between darkness and light
forever searching
for a time and a place
which does not exist
this time line granting
pleasure without permanence
love sans companionship
lust with no relief
my future forever a waiting
long days filled with dreams
of another tomorrow

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann


belonging

what is the meaning of love
the aura of belonging
to own and to be owned
to prefer the domesticity of duality
to the simplicity of singularity
will we ever understand
what draws us to another
the yearning for their presence
the importance of their happiness
our absolute inability
to imagine life without them
chemical attraction
meeting of the minds
we seek always
to explain the inexplicable
we need to accept with gratitude
when the extraordinary is offered
unquestioning open our hearts and minds
to the greatest gift
the exquisite, the unfathomable
realization of a soul mate

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

the loneliness of the long distance lover

the words of the song say "what's love but a second hand emotion"...
what is love, why do we keep going back for more.tonight i am once more the lonely wolf, howling...alone...with no mate of my own. now my ex ex would vibrate with indignity at my statement..."what the "ef" do you mean...no mate of your own, you have me ...loving, faithful, reliable".my ex ex has spent many years alone, she is fairly satisfied with her own company, my xx has a thousand good reasons for remaining in the usa, all very rational, sensible. however, for me, ... love is neither rational nor sensible. it is a pounding, pulsing, poetic inferno. always has been, always will be... i like it that way!

so...mostly, i attempt to behave in an adult manner, after all, i am edging up there near the big 60. i love my ex ex, i find it difficult to envision my life without her. she is my friend, my lover, my confidant, we are beautiful together. we laugh, we discuss, debate, argue, we cook and eat and laugh, we write, we sit, we think...we watch tv...the mundane becomes meaningful....i feel content. i am greedy...i want my companion with me ...full time.and so...i live with this small ache within me, an infinitesimal emptiness. mostly i am able to ignore it, occasionally my inner child revolts...oh yeah, quite revolting in one rapidly approaching...forget it...age has nothing to do with love! i would never have believed it was still possible to swim in this ocean of emotion...love triumphs over age and expectations.
where was i ...oh yeah the disappointed child ... i feel frustrated, we are an ocean apart, i say something mean, she objects, i sulk, she sulks...we write unkind emails to each other.
we wonder...what the hell is love?

to love a woman

what does it mean
to love a woman
when you are a woman.
it is to step outside
the golden circle
of polite society
no longer the average
distinct from the normal
your friends all wonder
if you have a secret desire
to make love with them
you may not hold hands
in public, with your lover
unwise to reach across
smile and touch
your neighbours may well know
who you are and what you are
they have no wish to see proof
of your love and partnership
but the endless wonder
of loving a woman
the beauty of being loved in return
brings to life the magic of alchemy
these small inconveniences
the dross of our lifestyle
are transmuted into gold
the depth of a relationship
enjoyed experienced exalted
between two women
an unforgettable journey
an unimagined blessing

that was then

where was i ... oh yeah...dumped! except i'm not...anymore, at the moment, for the foreseeable future.
i spent a whole evening roaming through my small home, lit candle in hand, imploring the universe to remove her memory from every nook and cranny of my life.
note to reader
i had witnessed this space cleaning ritual whilst visiting with a friend. B had endured an unhappy relationship which ended in an untimely and disastrous manner. a guru type had advised her to cleanse her home ...allowing herself to leave the past behind and venture forth into a brave new world. of course B used some type of bells... being kind of short on tibetan type bells, i figured a candle might well serve the purpose. after all... it is not what you do but how you do it...
i had no sooner finished ridding myself of my sad and lonely memories...when...
yeah right...my ex emailed me,we spoke, she apologized, an extremely rare event,in itself, as most times it is me, myself, yours truly who has instituted, caused or created the problem!
yep ...we are back together, joyously forging forward towards our third anniversary.

all this did somewhat put the kibosh on this blog. i had intended to use it as a whining post for myself. i longed to share the injustices of my abruptly ended romance. i thought to stun and impress, you, my reader, with the brilliance of my writing skills and the perfidy of my ex (now my ex ex). i suppose i might also admit to the fact that i am less inclined to write when i am happy!

now, having given the afore mentioned due consideration ... i have decided to continue to share ... the ups and downs, the poetry, the burning passion, the questions, the answers...
the life and love of an ordinary, perhaps slightly eccentric woman ...
why? ... why the hell not?

dumped

today i say "eryll, darlin'...you smoke as much as you want ...eat, drink and be merry for yesterday you were well and truly dumped!"
it's a long story and the reason for my new blog. i need somewhere to share my heartbreaks and dramas... i long for a sympathetic audience.

past, present, future ... the life and lesbian loves of eryll. er, well, actually, in my case it would more correctly read love ... as in the singular.

so i'm a little inexperienced, so i started late ... stick with me people, i ain't dead yet!

i met my ex on an internet dating site, a great deal of our "almost" three year relationship took place through emails. why ... well damn it, the woman lived on the other side of the pond, long island, new york. i had to work darn hard to persuade her to meet me. i used charm, wit and my uncanny way with words to woo the woman. i imagine she believed i was a complete nutter ...