from a to z, the beginning

sometimes i wonder...exactly how i arrived at where i am today.
i mean...i was straight, most definitely...well i would have thought so...
a tomboy - yes, all my life. i preferred cars and toy guns to dolls and tea parties. my brother was three years younger than me, he mostly did as i suggested in the early days ... before his masculinity asserted itself.
when we played, i would be john and he would be mary.
fortunately this gender bending caused him no deep psychological scars,
when i was old enough to care... i would choose shorts or jeans over a dress... everytime. by the time i was eleven i had rolled the sides of my old panama school hat, voila! i had my very own cowgirl hat. i was different and i didn't give a damn.
i fancied boys. i fell in love with and married a wonderful man. never, in my wildest dreams, would i have imagined that i would one day fall in love with a woman...

two years into my widowhood i realized i was lonely, i had shared my life in the most complete and wonderful way for thirty six years. living alone without the comfort and companionship of a beloved partner was an exercise in empty. yes, i was still completely in love with my mann but he had moved on and i needed someone in my life. my very own someone, with whom to explore the infinite possibilities of today amd tomorrow.

fifty six years old and at a crossroads...
i needed to find a new love. trouble was, i no longer fancied blokes. the thought of replacing my beloved with another man...quite frankly sucked. i did try, i joined internet dating sites and corresponded with some really nice fellows. small problem...in the end they all wanted to meet and i would realize that i could not, perhaps would not. i was lonely, i was not ready.

what to do, what to do...
look for a woman to love! elementary my dear watson. i guess that the eryll who loved women had slept long enough. she had slept through my childhood, my wonderful life long love affair with manfred, she had slept through my mommy days. her time had come and she awoke, stretched and yelled OMG!