the place called love

leaving a relationship is....

not easy, good days and bad days, days when i couldn't care less and days when i ache with the pain of loss.

that's the thing about love...
falling into it is simple, delightful, sheer pleasure.

falling out of it is another matter entirely.

i believe we have done the right thing, my ex and i. i feel we were moving in ever decreasing circles, neither of us able to provide that which our beloved really needed.

still hurts though, still miss my girl, my friend, my love, my confidant. i wonder sometimes...will i ever have the courage to risk my heart again. i hope so, at the moment both my heart and mind are in the workshop for repair and realignment.

if love is the answer... what is the question?

i must admit that, at this time, i am feeling somewhere between maudlin and hopeful... not an easy place to reside.

i would like to share my poem "the place" with you, it was written from a place of realization, a place where i learned that nothing in life is guaranteed. do i regret unlocking my heart and visiting 'the place called love'? no, there can be no regrets when it comes to love. love is our reason for being, our lesson to learn and our gift to give.

tomorrow, or tomorrow, or tomorrow... i will find the courage to love again.

the place


on reflection
perhaps i was afraid to revisit the place
the place called love
i had lived there before
in total contentment
luxuriating in the safety
of deep commitment
i shared the place
the place called love
with a man, a noble soul
he of the twinkling eyes
the awesome intelligence
he of the gentle spirit
the time will always come i suppose
when one is left
still resident in the place
the place of love
alone, in an agony of disbelief

no more, no more i said,
to live in this place
this place called love
is far too painful
when we love with such devotion
we invite the pain
the pain of separation
i lack the strength, the will
to survive again the loss of love
i will paddle in the shallows
of friendship and companionship
i will ride the waves of passion and excitement
i will never revisit the place
the place called love
i will sail through life
avoiding the depths of emotion
never completely satisfied
yet always invulnerable

she was small
she laughed when i called her small
she was though, small
deliciously padded in all the right places
but still small
perhaps it was more the way she made me feel
with her i was tall, tall and strong
intelligent and talented
i was tempted to revisit the place
the place called love
to sacrifice my hearts devotion once more
to accept the danger
the exquisite risk of unfettered commitment
loss is a lesson not easily forgotten
with relentless precision
it teaches fear, buries it deep
beyond memories reach
where the invisible cape of self preservation
protects us from the place
the place called love

i often wondered at the attraction of her
so powerful and yet so hard to understand
we came from different worlds
separated by custom and culture
my taste in women tilted always to the tall
the leggy blond, refined and understated
yet now i trembled to my very soul
with need and passion
unable to deny myself the pleasure
of her voice, her outspoken defiance
our differences forgotten in the sheer joy
of our amazing compatibility
the miles, the physical distance between us
the impossibility of togetherness
would keep me safe
safe from the future pain
of revisiting the place
the place called love

life however has different plans
we live in chaos, we lack control
it is not our place to decide
the universe chooses with whom we share
the place called love
and so finally i remembered the fear
i realized my pain and my evasion
my mind flooded with the knowledge
of her true place in my life
no more denial, i accept the danger
the fear of future loss
i accept the joy
the total contentment of deep commitment
i will hold her close, request her trust
her love, her all
i will take her hand and ask for her company
her lifelong presence
at my side and in my arms
discovering the place
the place called love

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann