free fall

i feel awful, drained, like i have been put through a ringer. i do love you but it is always going to be like this...you on one side of the ocean and me on the other. unable to take care of one another, not there to support when support is needed. i believe that it is our relationship which is making you ill. i have to admit i feel as if my love for you is dying, killed by the separation, the unhappiness, the fact that we are unable to live together as two women in love should do. the excitement, the grand passion is gone, i love you with my whole heart but i think my sense of self preservation has kicked in. my love grows tame and gentle.
we do everything separately, you go to parties without me and have fun. i feel guilty about even wanting to have fun....

Saturday, herself had a party to attend, a friend turning sixty. not a big deal, or maybe i should say that it should not be a big deal. did make me think though....
of all the family celebrations i still attend alone, of how good it would be to share my everyday life. the sheer cat like pleasure of waking next to the one you love. the small sharings...a passage in a book you are reading, chuckling together over some small idiotic happening. the glorious, simple pleasure of sharing an everyday life with the one you love. so yes...i was feeling somewhat sullen. the single life is not really my cup of tea. come sunday morning and i felt the need to express my emotions in words and i wrote...

free fall


i feel i am in free fall
my life, swift passing by
no goal in sight, no master plan
forgotten how to fly

there was a time, not long ago
when i was in command
i contemplated, organized
life went as i had planned

somewhere, somehow, some point in time
my life slipped off the leash
where once my choice was steak and veg
i now was handed quiche

so chaos reigns, no sweet design
to concentrate my mind
no parachute to break my fall
this girl is flying blind

i know that soon i will recoup
once more i'll beat the odds
i'll claim my life and make it mine
and damn the chaos gods

i'll take a breath and raise my eyes
i'll see the stars and moon
with arms of steel i'll seize my life
oh goddess make it soon

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann


sunday evening (my time), herself called, she was very upset as she had planned to visit me early december and was having a problem finding someone to take care of her cats. she also felt the need to inform me that she has been deathly ill for quite a while... another reason she might not be able to fly over. herself had not previously told me she was ill as she did not want me to worry! i was gobsmacked...we have been together for three years and she feels no need to tell me she is ill until she is about to cancel our time together. i held my tongue.

i wish i could claim to be a self sacrificing, saintly sort of soul. i can't, i ain't ....i will turn myself inside out for the one i love BUT i expect them to do the same. i was not happy. when we first fell in love i would never have believed that three years down the line, our times together would still be affected by the availability of cat sitters. enough already, time to fish or cut bait!

i called back. one last time...i asked her to marry me. i asked her to move in with me, i needed more than a long distance relationship.time to choose...

"this is not the right time, eryll. i am emotionally distraught and you are starting again!"

there is never a right time....

"this is not love eryll! i am in pain and you insist on kicking me when i am down, at my lowest ebb. this is not love eryll! i have always been honest with you, i have told you again and again that i was unable to leave..."

there is never a right time....

i am only human, we agreed to part.