junk mail, scams and gorgeous girls

junk mail, scams and gorgeous girls

herself and myself were having one of our “rest” periods, a break. in other words ... i must have said something...ummm...tactless, stupid, hurtful.

i spent 36 years of my life happily married to a male of the species ... he had to deal with me, my ups, my downs, my moods, indeed the fact that i am woman. i must admit, i never really appreciated his balance, his innate ability to “fix” things, his patience. nope took the whole lot for granted!
what am i trying to say ...living with a woman ain't easy!
i thought it would be a walk in the park. two loving, sensitive women (and dare i mention the word...mature) involved in a transatlantic relationship. what could possibly go wrong , hah...the innocence of the uninformed.

i digress, back to the subject of this blog.
yeah ... rest period, which would mean....
“eryll, you can go to hell, i never want to lay eyes on you again, you are the most self unaware person i have EVER met, you are self centred, spoiled and selfish and don't bother to answer this email because i have blocked you!!!” omg how i love that woman...
so i would feel righteous and huffy for all of say ...24 to 36 hours and then i would retire to my computer to write of my broken heart, my agony, my loss...
when i ran out of words, i would resort to trawling various lesbian dating sites, my two favourites being ... match.com and pink sofa.

and then i came across, let's call her sofia... her photo was, beautiful, she looked like a film star and she had winked at me, she wanted to chat! i decided that being dumped and single was not all bad, beautiful girls were chasing my rather wrinkled “middle aged” self. we chatted, she liked my look, she had grown up in france and was now a model in london, sofia wanted my name, my address, my everything. now i may be gullible but i am not an innocent, sofia was too good to be true and i don't give out my personal information to strangers. even i realized ... sofia might be a man, a naughty school child, a con artist. so, i high tailed it out of the chat room and that was that, except for the fact that sofia had my real, actual email address. sucker!

i started to experience “the nigerian scam”, government officials from african countries begged me to allow them to deposit huge amounts of money in my bank account. dear old, titled ladies, dying of cancer, with no kin to leave their fortune to... begged me to accept their monies...they trusted that i would distribute above mentioned funds to worthy causes. I have won so many lotteries, i have lost count, yahoo and microsoft contact me to inform me that today is my lucky day, their computers have chosen me and i am rich. my favourite by far is paypal asking me to confirm a payment, that one looks so official i almost forgot that i don't have a paypal account. oh yes, the bait was sweet but the hook is painful! but was that the end of my naivety, i guess not.

my lady is a writer and she travels no where without her lap top, said computer is so well used that numbers and letters have worn away. this aged lap top, this faithful companion... is tired. herself would very much like a new computer but unfortunately she finds herself with more pressing demands on her purse. the purchase of a new computer becomes a pretty low priority. so there i was wandering around cyber space when .... up popped a sign... you have won a laptop, press here to choose which of the three you would prefer. yeah, i know, big time sucker! these scams use our own greed against us and i was greedy to present my lady love with a new computer. what harm is there any way, in pressing a few buttons, answering a few questions ... well worth a bash in pursuit of a free laptop. well, i kept answering questions and pushing the “next” button until i finally realized i had not won, there was no prize ...sigh. “no such thing as a free lunch, nothing for nothing” the words of my youth mocked me. now, it appears the whole world owns my email address! no need for me to buy expensive american drugs, the canadian pharmacy will supply all i need. would i like a bigger cock, longer lasting erections, large breasts. the emails pile themselves into my inbox, pretending to be from private people and reputable businesses. i am told i must need pirating equipment, fake rolex watches, a get rich quick idea, the list is endless. an unstoppable avalanche, between 50 and 100 a day!

a word from the recently wiser, avoid good looking women and free gifts. the way to hell is paved with unsolicited emails.

pillow talk

the air is crisp, the sun is shining and i am filled with joyful anticipation. on tuesday 2nd october, herself arrives at glasgow airport. it has been two long months since we were last together. in my book, one day apart is too long and sixty plus days is just ridiculous.

long distance affairs have their own perks and problems. one of the perks being the fervent emotions aroused by separation and distance. we have never quite managed to move into the mundane, the every day , because our time together is rare and therefore doubly precious.
the problems ... well i would never dare to speak for herself, so you will need only to endure my view point!

arguing over the phone or via email is big time dangerous! no eyes to read, no body language to understand. feeling slightly off, bit bitchy ... wanna make trouble? the long distance relationship is a quagmire of sinking sand, dip a toe in and before you know it you are eating grit girl. herself is a master of disengagement, when she is mad, well, she is mad....
communication zero!
i have written some of my best poems whilst grovelling and begging for forgiveness. three years together... i have learned, i don't look for trouble any more ... life's too short. plus... for me ... there is only herself. the woman of my dreams, the writer of tales, the mender of minds, my muse and my mentor. five foot nothing of fiery new yorker, italian extraction...could i ask for more.
when she talks about italian cheeses, omg it sounds like pillow talk.

my choice

to have what i want
is what i most need
to make do with out
is frustration indeed

so what should i do
if the thing i desire
is as easy to grasp
as a handful of fire

acceptance, not easy
i like my own way
perhaps i should change
what i want for today

try something different
some what new and unique
if i change my mind
will i find what i seek

if i learn to want
the things which are mine
will i have what i need
will my life turn out fine

i think it is easier
to take life as it is
accept there aren't answers
cause life's not a quiz

remember to breath
to love and rejoice
how i feel each moment
is all my own choice

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

i eat meat

my girl friend had slight leanings towards vegetarianism when i first met her. these leanings have developed and she now only partakes of the flesh of fish. the rest of the animal kingdom are out of bounds and off the edible list as far as she is concerned. actually, the fish of the world are almost certain to join her inedible list...some time pretty soon. in my home country, i can sense a summer storm, many hours before it happens. i sense full blown veganism on the horizon as far as my girlfriend is concerned. herself has no objection to me eating meat, as long as i do not cook it in her kitchen!

one would think, that trans atlantic phone calls between lovers would be spent discussing more romantic issues...
but no, give us half a chance and we will debate... well ...anything. tonight i was looking for trouble, india had just beaten south africa in the 20/20 world cup cricket, effectively throwing us out of the rest of the tournament. i love cricket, i love rugby, especially when south africa is playing. i am now a loyal scot, until...scotland v south africa! so perhaps i was feeling the need to argue the point about something ... in fact anything.

this evening it was our different views on the breeding and rearing of cattle for our selfish consumption. my lady stresses that we no longer need to consume the flesh of animals. now what kind of a point is that? just because we do not need to do something we should abstain? i think not.

another of our favourite topics is "evil". herself being a firm believer in the existence of evil, whilst i take the view that some of us are damaged, causing us to function in a less than desirable manner.
my lady grew up in the bronx, whilst i grew up in africa. she reads literature whilst i read anything i can get my hands on. she enjoys foreign films, they bore me. how we ever met and fell in love is a complete mystery. life is a wonder, love is a mystery and humanity is an interesting concept.....

the next time

herself phoned last night, think she kinda misses the hooky feeling in her flesh when i am absent! i tried really hard to sound cold, distant and disinterested ...after all, she was berating me for having mentioned her naked arse in my blog. "why are you reading my friggin' blog, thought you were done with me" i inquired, attempting icy and achieving ... maybe luke warm. took me all of ten seconds to fold...damn she is just so cute.
so enough already... with the drama, the next time we break up i will keep my own counsel.

sometimes love is not enough

sometimes love is not enough

my muse no longer finds me amusing...
and i quote ... "you are a hook in my flesh"

i am deeply influenced by the experiences of my childhood and the essential wisdom of my parents. in our home there was a small carved plaque which read ... "never give up, God is faithful". i believe in pursuing my dreams, in fighting for what i believe in, i believe in love and forgiveness and doing my best. i believe in courage and conviction, in honour and truth.
it is now time to admit the absolute truth to myself ... i believe when two people find one another, when they chance across a soul mate and fall in love ...
i believe they should live together, in order to cherish and sustain life's most precious commodity, love.
it is time to call "time".
time to admit to myself and the world that i have pursued this dream for long enough. time to admit that love is not always enough and that it is perfectly possible to love someone and yet make that person thoroughly miserable.

and so ... i offer my love, my muse, an irish blessing...
and a letter from our past...

An Old Irish Blessing
"May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand."
Anon

the small things

it is in the small things that i find you unforgettable. the soft sigh which escapes your throat as you settle back on your bed, this almost soundless sigh, travels the wire strung across the sea bed, crosses the atlantic and comes to my ear. and i am able to see you, to smell you almost reach out and touch you.

i love your chuckle, the rising peal of your laughter, assuring me that you enjoy my company, my conversation and my wit. i love to listen to the presence of your voice, i feed off the loving empathy delivered in your inimitable bronx accent.

i would never have imagined ... making love to a small italian/american, naked but for her bed socks. socks and sex... no way ... in you my darling they spell unforgettable. the wonderful sight of your seriously naked arse, jitterbugging up the stairs before me ... the stuff of dreams.

sitting in your car, always the driven, never the driver ... reaching out to touch your leg, hearing the pleasure in the sharp intake of your breath. you reaching across and kissing me, with meaning, right there at the stoplights, in front of the world. proud to love me, proud to be my lover.

the little pizza restaurant, you and i at a plastic table, with paper plates and plastic forks. coke in a bottle with a straw, diet for my darling. delicious melt in the mouth pizza, oil from melted cheese running down our chins. followed by those delicious little deep fried dough balls, drowned in icing sugar. you would always ask for extra icing, sticky fingered, icing sugar everywhere. sharing.

i could write forever, i probably will, because you are ingrained in my heart and soul. you will always be with me in the small things. we may no longer be promised to one another, we may consider ourselves free....free to move on, to try again, to hope for more. but i will never be free because in you i discovered a magnificence, the wonder of my woman,you are simply irreplaceable sweetheart.

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

yesterday today tomorrow

another tomorrow


i live in a twilight world
between darkness and light
forever searching
for a time and a place
which does not exist
this time line granting
pleasure without permanence
love sans companionship
lust with no relief
my future forever a waiting
long days filled with dreams
of another tomorrow

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann


belonging

what is the meaning of love
the aura of belonging
to own and to be owned
to prefer the domesticity of duality
to the simplicity of singularity
will we ever understand
what draws us to another
the yearning for their presence
the importance of their happiness
our absolute inability
to imagine life without them
chemical attraction
meeting of the minds
we seek always
to explain the inexplicable
we need to accept with gratitude
when the extraordinary is offered
unquestioning open our hearts and minds
to the greatest gift
the exquisite, the unfathomable
realization of a soul mate

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

the loneliness of the long distance lover

the words of the song say "what's love but a second hand emotion"...
what is love, why do we keep going back for more.tonight i am once more the lonely wolf, howling...alone...with no mate of my own. now my ex ex would vibrate with indignity at my statement..."what the "ef" do you mean...no mate of your own, you have me ...loving, faithful, reliable".my ex ex has spent many years alone, she is fairly satisfied with her own company, my xx has a thousand good reasons for remaining in the usa, all very rational, sensible. however, for me, ... love is neither rational nor sensible. it is a pounding, pulsing, poetic inferno. always has been, always will be... i like it that way!

so...mostly, i attempt to behave in an adult manner, after all, i am edging up there near the big 60. i love my ex ex, i find it difficult to envision my life without her. she is my friend, my lover, my confidant, we are beautiful together. we laugh, we discuss, debate, argue, we cook and eat and laugh, we write, we sit, we think...we watch tv...the mundane becomes meaningful....i feel content. i am greedy...i want my companion with me ...full time.and so...i live with this small ache within me, an infinitesimal emptiness. mostly i am able to ignore it, occasionally my inner child revolts...oh yeah, quite revolting in one rapidly approaching...forget it...age has nothing to do with love! i would never have believed it was still possible to swim in this ocean of emotion...love triumphs over age and expectations.
where was i ...oh yeah the disappointed child ... i feel frustrated, we are an ocean apart, i say something mean, she objects, i sulk, she sulks...we write unkind emails to each other.
we wonder...what the hell is love?

to love a woman

what does it mean
to love a woman
when you are a woman.
it is to step outside
the golden circle
of polite society
no longer the average
distinct from the normal
your friends all wonder
if you have a secret desire
to make love with them
you may not hold hands
in public, with your lover
unwise to reach across
smile and touch
your neighbours may well know
who you are and what you are
they have no wish to see proof
of your love and partnership
but the endless wonder
of loving a woman
the beauty of being loved in return
brings to life the magic of alchemy
these small inconveniences
the dross of our lifestyle
are transmuted into gold
the depth of a relationship
enjoyed experienced exalted
between two women
an unforgettable journey
an unimagined blessing

that was then

where was i ... oh yeah...dumped! except i'm not...anymore, at the moment, for the foreseeable future.
i spent a whole evening roaming through my small home, lit candle in hand, imploring the universe to remove her memory from every nook and cranny of my life.
note to reader
i had witnessed this space cleaning ritual whilst visiting with a friend. B had endured an unhappy relationship which ended in an untimely and disastrous manner. a guru type had advised her to cleanse her home ...allowing herself to leave the past behind and venture forth into a brave new world. of course B used some type of bells... being kind of short on tibetan type bells, i figured a candle might well serve the purpose. after all... it is not what you do but how you do it...
i had no sooner finished ridding myself of my sad and lonely memories...when...
yeah right...my ex emailed me,we spoke, she apologized, an extremely rare event,in itself, as most times it is me, myself, yours truly who has instituted, caused or created the problem!
yep ...we are back together, joyously forging forward towards our third anniversary.

all this did somewhat put the kibosh on this blog. i had intended to use it as a whining post for myself. i longed to share the injustices of my abruptly ended romance. i thought to stun and impress, you, my reader, with the brilliance of my writing skills and the perfidy of my ex (now my ex ex). i suppose i might also admit to the fact that i am less inclined to write when i am happy!

now, having given the afore mentioned due consideration ... i have decided to continue to share ... the ups and downs, the poetry, the burning passion, the questions, the answers...
the life and love of an ordinary, perhaps slightly eccentric woman ...
why? ... why the hell not?