enough already

enough already with the ranting.
negativity is an uncomfortable traveling companion.

the thing about love

if we only learn one lesson in life, let it be love. love may seem a fairly basic emotion, albeit divided into numerous sub groups and types. the lesson we most need to absorb is simple to state, difficult to accomplish.

love is as much a gift to the giver as it is to the receiver.
if we are able to remove our ego's from our love offerings, love becomes eternal.time and distance lose their power.

so much love...so little time...
don't save it...spend it...

whoops...well i guess we can forget cohabitation

of late, herself has often informed me that she would not be able to live in scotland too wet, too grey, too expensive. plus uk vitamins (very important detail) are weak and wishy washy in comparison to usa brands.
herself has two cats who are very dear to her heart, no way would she be able to leave them behind, she could not fly them over either as (so i'm told) many pets die in the holds of aircraft whilst in transit.
herself has two adult daughters, wonderful, intelligent women. both enjoy interesting and challenging careers, both are in loving and settled relationships.herself feels she would feel lost without their occasional company.
herself has many wonderful friends with whom she spends many hours, chatting on the phone. she has a great attachment to these ladies and feels emotionally dependent on them ... they live in the usa.
i am about to move into a two bedroomed mobile home on my kid's farm in south ayrshire. herself assures me that no way would she be able to exist in such a confined space with myself! forget the 33 acres of rolling ayrshire fields, forget one of the worlds most beautiful views, forget the fact that in place of rent all i have to do is an occasional bit of house sitting.

well ... by now my reader has probably come to the conclusion..."what a yogurt top! why on earth would eryll the exemplary idiot still be hanging around with hope in her heart..."
precisely!... but love is a strange and powerful emotion and hope springs eternal. uhuh...

i might mention that had i been possessed of even an ounce of common sense ... i would have ridden off into the sunset about eighteen months ago. yeah that is probably a fair time line. at the time i was living in the market town of bicester near oxford (well near enough!). i had decided to buy my lady a ring, i would ask her to marry me the next time i paid herself a visit.i had a most wonderful time, haunting the cobbled streets of oxford, searching for the perfect ring (well, within my ability to pay of course..). now being a born and bred south african, i know my diamonds, i am picky... small and perfect is better than big and flawed. well, that's my story and i'm sticking to it!
eventually i found the ring, her ring, the ring i would give her to seal our commitment. the ring which would prove to her that i was a woman with serious intentions, unafraid of commitment and ready to cohabit.

now herself is very attached to the ocean, the breaking waves, the shifting sands, the gentle sea breeze. where else should i take herself to pop such a life changing question...
a romantic stroll along the shore, the breeze in our hair, the seagulls gliding overhead whilst the sun lit a golden fire on the ocean...
well that was the romantic, poetic setting i envisaged...
the actual day turned out grey with howling winds and spitting rain...
yeah, yeah... i know, but that damn ring was burning a hole in my pocket and i was eager, nay ... desperate to ask the question and rejoice at her answer.

so we stood together on jones beach and i asked...
and herself answered .... "NO! No way! i don't believe in marriage. i'm sorry but no..."

was i mortified...oh yeah! was i angry...oh yeah! to this day i will never understand why i did not pack my bags and take the next flight home.
the undeniable fact is...i did not, eryll the aristo, eryll the arrogant...stayed in new york. herself , the therapist explained to me that her refusal did not mean she did not love me, it did not mean that we would not be together...eventually...one day...

for the next year our relationship was a little rocky. i was hurt and angry ... fact is i was gob smacked! i tried to leave herself, time after time. i just could not stay away, i would have to beg forgiveness and worm my way back into her affections. it was a difficult time, she must have hated me as i fought to balance my love for her with my deep need for a relationship which involved ...being together, for some what more than a month or so of every year....

eventually i came to realize that i was destroying our love and that if i wanted to remain with herself...
well...i would have to shape up or ship out! so, roughly six months ago i released my anger and removed my mask. let the woman see the real me, let her discover how deep our love really was. sooner or later, herself would have an ahah moment and find that she could no longer live without me at her side.she would learn to love scotland, the rain, the grey, the howling gales. she would remember that really strong vitamins could be purchased over the internet. she would appreciate the fact that i had sky installed so that herself could keep up to date with american news, she would be amazed that i had sky talk plus as my call provider, allowing FREE phone calls to the states, herself could chat to her dear friends as if she was next door!

hope is a cruel mistress...

cohabitation

cohabitation

tonight i am lonely and mad as a snake, i am very thankful for ice, for jack daniels and for nicotine. how all those clean living folks manage without these necessities of life is beyond me...

before i even start, let me state unequivocally... i am not perfect! bloody hell, what an admission to have to make. i am arrogant and hellbent on having my own way.
i enjoyed a wonderful relationship with my man and our marriage lasted 36 wonderful years. we shared so much and loved so deeply that i only realized my fascination with women two years after his death.

so...naturally i am looking for more of the same. love and marriage/civil partnership(civil partnership has a kind of unromantic ring don't you think? but if that is the best THEY can do for us, who am i to complain!), fun, mutual support, respect and companionship, romance and happily ever after. and yeah, let's not forget sex, think i might be prepared to skip on the three kids this time around...

i believe in love, i believe in togetherness, i believe in fidelity... i believe it is natural to live in the same house and share the same bed...
i believe that people who love whole heartedly and pledge fidelity to one another should at least live in the same effin' country.....

now you all, might be wondering ... or not, as the case may be...
"what the devil is the girl on about?"
well...tonight on our trans atlantic call(at my daughter's house because my damn phone is yet to be reconnected...despite the promises of various bt employees...sigh), herself said some stuff...which really pissed me off....
and i became huffy, really huffy and said nasty stuff..
and then i came home to emails from herself which pissed me off even more (which one would have hardly believed possible)...
i mean ... really...and i quote herself...

"YOU SAY NOT TO LISTEN TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY BECAUSE YOU BECOME CRUEL-you are

i love you eryll-i am sorry this is such a hard time for you

please don't be resentful of my knowing what is ok for me

if i were to be with you

i would be
depressed
resentful
sullen
you would simply have to pack me up and send me home-i do know what is ok for me right now"
(i have edited this email)

yeah well, if you wanna date a therapist!
and now, well now, i am imbibing JD and writing, how else is one expected to cope with a long distance relationship?


oh yeah, so where was i ...
crazy in love with a stranger ...who thought i was crazy...

more on matters concerning cohabitation

herself and i met on an internet dating site... the 1st november 2004. i fell like a ton of bricks for a woman i had never actually met, her profile did not even have a photo up. what do they say? "love is blind", quite literally true in my case. casting my mind back, i am prepared to admit, perhaps, that maybe for a while, it may have been infatuation...
of course at the time, had anyone expressed such an imbecilic view ... well, i would have torn the head from their shoulders.

herself had seen my photo on the site, she was not impressed, thought i looked like "a gardener". yeah, yeah...nothing wrong with looking like a gardener but i guess to a lady accustomed to new york style...
i am sort of... basic, the south african sun and my hatred of all things oily, creamy, moisturisish, has left me kind of... well, maybe a little rugged. not that any of this is a problem ... "check the worry in my eyes!" me, myself, i am entirely convinced that i am one of the all time best looking women on the planet.
she enjoyed my mind though and tolerated my protestations of instant undying love. herself is a therapist and has recently shared the following with me ..."i knew you were crazy but i kinda liked you anyway". bullshit man, i must be a therapist's dream lover .. no wonder she found me fascinating!

to be continued...maybe...

hard labour

maggots! another rainless day, the weather gods are conspiring against me... sigh...
my wee patch of lawn is ripe for the mowing, every time i put my foot out of the door or glance out of the window, i feel guilt.

i am not a gardener, no way. my man used to take care of all that, back before he took up tending a more heavenly garden.

back home in south africa i had a marvelous gardener. piet was terrific, he would arrive once a week at the crack of dawn and sort the place out! All i had to do was supply a hearty breakfast and lunch and and keep piet hydrated with numerous cups of hot, very sweet tea. of course, once a month there was the small matter of a financial exchange in his favour, but, hell man, money could never buy what that man did for my garden.

that was way back when...
since moving to the uk, i have of necessity tended my own garden...sigh. did i say i was not a gardener? since being hurled into premature menopause (way before my time i might add), by the drug tamoxifen... well, i sweat, no really, i sweat. i still sweat even though i am now long past the hot flushes etc of a menopausal me. i used to be one of those folks who always had cold hands and feet ... no more, i burn baby, burn.

now mowing and digging and raking is warming work, even in scotland, even in october. my hair becomes plastered to my head, sweat drips off the end of my nose, my glasses fog up. oh yeah, and who really enjoys spearing poor innocent earthworms anyway?

saddle up

yeeehah! time to saddle up and ride ...
i have joined the posse of margo moon and starr ann!
dang, please forgive me if my cowgirl talk ain't quite authentic, i am only recently grown accustomed to och, aye and outwith ...

time also to admit that i have been secretly visiting "the mound" flag ship of cap'n dyke, lesbian pirate queen. truth is the cap'n is so similar in looks to... (she, whose name i dare not mention) that i grow weak at the knees of my unaccustomed sea legs. iffen herself were to discover i was frequenting 'the mound" and discover for herself the good cap,n's likeness to .. (she, whose name i dare not mention) 'nuff said ...trouble would be brewing across the atlantic. herself consistently objects to the roving ability of my eyes and in no way feels it necessary to support me in my never ending appreciation of the female form.

the world of blog ... what a wondrous place, a world of words, information, disinformation, truth and lies, humour and tragedy, a world of adventure and excitement, a realm where the word wizards rule!
viva!

a matter of cohabitation

truth to tell ... long distance relationships suck ...

yesterday was herself's birthday and i was not there to celebrate with her ... sigh...

yourselves might be wondering ..."what is it with these two, almost three years together and they can't get their act together?"

well...on the one hand...

green card

america america
great land of the free
i really must explain
just what you mean to me
a man may love a woman
who lives across the sea
and a woman love a man
together hope to be
and if they wish to marry
your country gives them entry
the sacrament of marriage
makes visas elementary
but woman who loves woman
you find a tad distasteful
to make this girl american
my god! would be disgraceful
no interest in our love
no matter how we care
in law we may not marry
and immigrate ....don't dare
and so i need to mention
my sweethearts human rights
to live, to love and to pursue
a lover for her nights
your country born in freedom
should not discriminate
the fact that we love woman
should be beyond debate


All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

yeah and that is only part of the problem! more, in depth explanations to follow ....

when you sleep alone

herself has fled scotland's green shores and...
i find myself in dire need of some positive thinking ...

when you sleep alone

consider the joys
of a double bed
when you sleep alone
and remain unwed
free to stretch
to wriggle and squirm
to twitch and thrash
to toss and turn
pile on the covers
or toss them aside
when you sleep alone
there is no one to chide
talk in your sleep
snuffle or sneeze
your bed is your own
to do as you please
if you happen to snore
you may never know
because there is no one
to tell you so
when you wake up
in the dead of night
no one will moan
when you turn on the light
if you eat in bed
if you watch tv
there are no complaints
there is no one to see
so never object
complain or groan
enjoy your bed
when you sleep alone

All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann

finding loch lomond

a fine day...
exactly the kind of day on which to bundle ones sweetheart into the rav and ....
drive to loch lomond ...
not as far as loch ness (a place herself would really like to visit),i now feel a need to watch the carbon footprint on any trip. multimap have certainly curtailed my wanderings since they decided to include carbon footprint info along with requested directions.not that i'm complaining, mind ...saves me money and portrays me as more green than mean!

i checked out the route on my "map of the uk", seemed simple enough ...hmmmm
must have missed a turn off ... ended up driving in glasgow city centre with herself gazing at me in admiration. why admiration you may well ask? well damn ... did i or did i not stop and ask for directions, an act of extreme humility on my part. the instructions for escaping glasgow were simple enough... turn right, at the second set of traffic lights turn right again, follow the signs to loch lomond. oh yeah? i must have missed a set of traffic lights, we ended up heading back from whence we had just departed.
herself was growing slightly concerned, she remembers our trip to stonehenge - but that is another story....
at the next traffic light, herself wound done her window and in her inimitable bronx accent, informed the world and the cabby next to us that we were looking for dumbarton. dumbarton being a place on the route to loch lomond. the cabby, significantly impressed by herselfs sheer americaness,was stunned into being most helpful... twice stopping and leaping out of his cab to point out the correct way.
so ... now we were on the right route, signs everywhere pointing the way to dumbarton, the erskine bridge came into view ...great... we needed to cross the clyde river...
we crossed the bridge. the next road sign read greenock/irvine ...huh? we were on the wrong side of the clyde, we were heading west, we were a damn sight closer to home than we were to loch lomond!
now, i will tell the truth and shame the devil ... i am damn good at becoming lost, one might even look to me as some kind of expert in the art of arriving elsewhere...
this loch lomond lark was a fish of another sort, even herself feels that we entered some type of alternate universe in order to end up where we did!

did we ever find loch lomond...no! but i did locate a castle for herself to admire, unfortunately it was closed to the public, some scottish castles close for the winter. but we walked up to it, admired it, wondered how old it might be. it was next to the water, we walked on a rather less than robust wooden pier, out into the clyde.it was beautiful, one of those magical moments lovers are fortunate to enjoy.

we bought sandwiches at an m & s, and crisps and chocolate puddings in plastic cups. we parked the car and enjoyed a picnic lunch looking out over the firth of clyde.
the bonnie, bonnie banks of loch lomond will have to wait for another day...

the weather

in scotland, it rains, a lot. as summer retreats and winter invades ... it rains even more.

with herself about to spend time with me and the month being october ... i was worried. myself, i am not overly concerned with the weather but ... how would my new york muse react? herself is very fond of sunshine and not particularly fond of grey/ wet/ drizzle/ rain.

the day of her arrival i checked the bbc weather site for ayrshire ... ten day forecast ... ten days of cloud and rain!
but no, the weather gods have smiled on me and we have enjoyed days of warmth and sunshine. as in camelot ... it has rained at night!

the departure

hah! today is the day. more correctly perhaps, tonight is the night. herself flies out from newark at 10.10pm on her way to glasgow.

newark being the most intriguing word in the above sentence.
why you might wonder? herself and i are old hands at flying between jfk and the uk, we are what you might call seasoned pros, cross atlantic flights hold no terrors for us. my lady lives but half an hour from jfk, an easy taxi ride, no problems.
when we first met i was residing in a small market town called buckingham, a mere toddle to drive to heathrow. of course myself can turn even this straight forward trip into something of an adventure. the first time my lady came to visit, i picked her up at heathrow and proceeded towards buckingham on the m25. as i remember i think her flight came in round about 11.00 pm. a little while into the journey herself indicated she might well be in need of a pit stop.i pulled in at the next services. herself visited the ladies and we enjoyed a cuppa.

it was a dark and stormy night, there are many entries and exits to these services. the uk is a nation of traffic circles and i am but an innocent south african unused to the complexities of travel in the civilized world. half an hour later, i started to wonder, the road seemed comparatively quiet and darker than usual. herself started to give me "the look" (my very first experience of said look!). "eryll, are you lost?"... of course not, i don't get lost, i sometimes take the scenic route. and then... drum roll ...i noticed the road sign. oh yeah, i was driving my honey home...via wales. whoops! a less than august start to my lady's first visit to my side of the pond!

of course, i have since moved (thoughtlessly!) to scotland. in pursuit of togetherness we now have to journey an extra leg ... heathrow/glasgow and vice versa. the extra flights are pestiforous, time consuming and expensive. herself, a highly educated lady decided it was time for some research. dicovery... there are two flights a week from newark, direct to glasgow. less expensive and no running from terminal to terminal at heathrow.
now ... and herein lies the crunch...herself must now catch a train into penn station and then catch another to newark and then take the sky train to the airport terminal.perhaps a little more complicated than her previous, half hour taxi trip to jfk.

the journey begins to assume the proportions of an epic adventure! do not giggle younger people! ourselves are no longer in the first flush of youth and my lady, unlike myself, has no nomadic leanings. she has spent the past thirty plus years living in ONE house, in ONE street, in ONE town. i realize you may find this fact hard to believe, but i swear it is the truth! so, after much thought and a trial run, the princess has decided to bring only one small bag, which she will carry on board, thus making the multiple train journeys a little easier.

however, tension still runs high, sleep evades my darling and her appetite is lost. please send positive vibes, white light and rainbows. let the journey be smooth and uncomplicated, then all i will have to do is...
spend the next two weeks reminding herself of why i am worth all the drama!