my forgotten blog ... still here, in cyber space, still available to remain unread ... hah!
maybe i will sneak back, now and again. a secret tryst with my own formerly abandoned blog ...
life, dear reader, moves on, circumstances change ... new adventures, intriguing thoughts....
i would like to write a short history of my life, not all that interesting right now but...
give it time ...
give anything time!
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Thursday, 27 March 2008
on the move
designated writer is on the move.
new place, new name ...
if you, dear reader, are still interested in the on going saga of the life and times of one ordinary mortal...
namely...
me...
email me at my email address (if you have it) or reeflightning@googlemail.com and i will send you the new name and blog address.
Monday, 17 March 2008
poetic justice
juniper berries are used
to flavour gin
left overs are tasty
to the truly hungry
if you are chained
you long for freedom
how much experience
makes you experienced
today's nightmare
yesterday's dream
hope is a sullied trap
irresistible to the unwary
is their an afterlife
where love goes when it dies
how hard must one look
to find poetry in justice
ice left in the sun
mostly melts
All materials Copyright © 2004-2008 by Eryll Oellermann
Sunday, 9 March 2008
the girl in pink pyjamas
i'm a girl without doubt
or i was, maybe now
i'm a woman
i liked boys and their toys
tea parties and dolls
ribbons and bows were for others
not me, i liked horses and hats
my ma said
you look pretty in dresses
you can't ride a horse
or play war games in dresses
i was always ...
just me
they smiled when i met him
they adored him
the man who would make a woman
out of me
he took my hand and smiled into my eyes
he held me close
he loved my jeans and shared his shirts
with me, we grew a family
and laughed and loved
sometimes, i even wore a skirt
my favourite colour changed
from blue to purple,lilac,pink
sweet dreams are not always meant to last
my life became an accidental avalanche
swept helpless into the place
of more alone
to stay awhile in sadness
then venture out wide eyed
an adult me, unbalanced and unknowing
to fall in love again
to dive and swim in love's lagoon
find passion in the arms of her
and find myself anew
unchanged, just me
a girl in pink pyjamas
All materials Copyright © 2004-2008 by Eryll Oellermann
Saturday, 1 March 2008
you must be kidding!
i am fast approaching sixty...
with some apprehension i might add...
after all, i have decided to celebrate this milestone by having my ear pierced AND indulging in a tattoo.
wild and wicked stuff for a small town girl!
this year past, i have been surveying my skin, wondering...
which part of me is least likely to wrinkle...
well...less than the devastation which has already occurred.
my face ...
not much to be done about that!
that gentle quote "you are born with the face god gives you.
you die with the face you deserve."
so...
my face tells a tale of too much sun and too many cigarettes. years of laughter and smiling and perhaps a little scowling!
i'm not complaining, i'm fond of my face...things could be worse.
the rest of me, at least the sun exposed portions were worthy of some attention...
perhaps they could be saved, or at least encouraged to resist the ravages of time.
and so it came to be, eryll, the unadorned, suddenly took to haunting the supermarket aisles. searching for the answer to an eternally youthful skin.
i found a lotion, claiming to be age defying, it smelled good, it did not leave my skin feeling sticky or oily (a definite no no!), it fell within a price range i could almost afford.
thus it began...
the daily ritual.
there i was, massaging the miracle cream onto my arms when i found it...
on my right elbow...
a big, soft lump...hmmmm
i took myself off to the doctor, the young fellow who has a rather weird sense of humour.
bursitis... what!
not possible...
gardeners, painters, floor washers. people who play sport, folks who work...
these are the people who end up with bursitis.
couch potatoes like me...
no way!
although... holding up a hardcover book and reaching for the tv remote may be classed as repetitive exercise?
i really don't care to spend the rest of my allotted with a lumpy elbow.
somehow does not seem to fit in with my self image!
the doc assures me it will sort itself out in a month or two. evidently i am to be congratulated as it is not infected and is therefore painless.
ain't life in'erestin'...
with some apprehension i might add...
after all, i have decided to celebrate this milestone by having my ear pierced AND indulging in a tattoo.
wild and wicked stuff for a small town girl!
this year past, i have been surveying my skin, wondering...
which part of me is least likely to wrinkle...
well...less than the devastation which has already occurred.
my face ...
not much to be done about that!
that gentle quote "you are born with the face god gives you.
you die with the face you deserve."
so...
my face tells a tale of too much sun and too many cigarettes. years of laughter and smiling and perhaps a little scowling!
i'm not complaining, i'm fond of my face...things could be worse.
the rest of me, at least the sun exposed portions were worthy of some attention...
perhaps they could be saved, or at least encouraged to resist the ravages of time.
and so it came to be, eryll, the unadorned, suddenly took to haunting the supermarket aisles. searching for the answer to an eternally youthful skin.
i found a lotion, claiming to be age defying, it smelled good, it did not leave my skin feeling sticky or oily (a definite no no!), it fell within a price range i could almost afford.
thus it began...
the daily ritual.
there i was, massaging the miracle cream onto my arms when i found it...
on my right elbow...
a big, soft lump...hmmmm
i took myself off to the doctor, the young fellow who has a rather weird sense of humour.
bursitis... what!
not possible...
gardeners, painters, floor washers. people who play sport, folks who work...
these are the people who end up with bursitis.
couch potatoes like me...
no way!
although... holding up a hardcover book and reaching for the tv remote may be classed as repetitive exercise?
i really don't care to spend the rest of my allotted with a lumpy elbow.
somehow does not seem to fit in with my self image!
the doc assures me it will sort itself out in a month or two. evidently i am to be congratulated as it is not infected and is therefore painless.
ain't life in'erestin'...
Friday, 11 January 2008
Thursday, 10 January 2008
how
how...some ask
do you stand the grey
the endless rain
which falls each day
how do you deal
with the biting cold
caressing your bones
as you grow old
the long dark hours
do they drive you mad
does the sparse sunshine
not make you sad
i am where i am
where i need to be
weather is weather
that simple, you see
our mind is the place
where our life joy lies
not the falling rain
or the cloudless skies
no matter which path
our life may take
we own the power
to control the ache
the joy, the love
reside in our mind
nature is beauty
our eyes might find
if we open ourselves
to the magic of now
remember our truth
we have fields to plough
then rain is rain
which needs to fall
the sun still shines
behind it all
All materials Copyright © 2004-2008 by Eryll Oellermann
Sunday, 6 January 2008
a prince amongst women!
Thanks to a lead from hahnathome ... i woke up to a bit of fun! gotta love these tests.
Your Score: The Classic Lover
45% partner focus, 47% aggressiveness, 50% adventurousness
Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that:
You prefer your romance and love to be traditional rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary, you would rather be pursued than do the pursuing and, when it comes to physical love, you concentrate more on enjoying the experience rather than worrying about your performance.
This places you in the Lover Style of: The Classic Lover.
The Classic Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and is the closest it comes to the classic images of the princess in the tower, or the romantic and chivalrous knight, or the hero/heroine from a Disney film. The Classic Lover is a treasure to find, though it can be difficult to do so because they sometimes tend to be shy and/or difficult to successfully court.
In terms of physical love, the Classic Lover again can be shy, and often needs more in terms of emotional security to feel comfortable than some of the other Types. Given the right setting, and the right lover, the Classic Lover can be a delight in bed.
Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Romantic Lover (most of all) or the Devoted Lover, or the Liberated Lover.
and you?
Wednesday, 2 January 2008
when we gain through pain
pain wise, i was born lucky. my body seems able to deal with fairly large doses without causing me too much agony.
then there is toothache, damn, i don't deal well with toothache... turns me into a sniveling sissy, begging for drugs and the immediate attentions of a dentist.
itching...hmmm...don't do very well with itching either. i mean...well hell...you just can't stop it. can you?
so pain wise i have pretty well breezed through life. regular dental check ups are a must. and a dedicated avoidance of mosquitoes, spiders, bed bugs and other nasty, itch causing insects... definitely desirable.
and then...
two weeks ago...
the ice...
the slip...
the damaged knees...
hah! a lesson in humility.
my body has always served me well. it is a quick healing, self recovery specialist. so, i hurt myself, so, i heal... even operations...with surgical instruments. the pain potential is limited, two days of pain killers, i'm up and at 'em again.
not this time...no siree!
this time i did myself proud...two weeks after the event and we still have... knee lock...oh yeah.
i have learned to walk with a delicacy not previously explored. stairs?...uhuh...with care. do not trip, do not turn too fast, avoid small children and furry animals. forget bending...hell, who needs to bend anyway. slow is good, slow is safe...
i remember my impatience when i took my dad shopping. not that i said anything, probably didn't need to, dad could probably sense the negative energy of my angst and irritation a mile away. forgive my arrogance, forgive my lack of understanding, my total absense of empathy. dad was in his late eighties, early nineties...he was stiff and he was in pain.he was a brit, a gentleman of the old school...he taught us kids the pride of a stoic, the value of a stiff upper lip. he moved slowly because he was in pain, he never complained.
i used to wish that my dad would just let me do his shopping for him ... it would have been quicker! the only thing i did do right was fume with frustration and yet hold my tongue.
everyone has a right to their pride, their independence. so maybe when folk grow older...they slow down a little. so effin' what!
we just have to learn... where lies the true value of time?
if we have time to listen to the chatter of children and the experiences of the elderly...
if we have time to amble through the shops at a pace which suits our companion...
if we have time to hold a hand, touch an arm, rub a back, massage aching feet...
if we have time to give and accept these love gifts...
does it matter if dinner is a little late...
the ironing is not finished...
the grass unmowed...
these chores will always be there, always need doing. when we realize the value of our time, we will spend it...with wisdom, with those we love, with those who need us.
i still have dishes to wash and time aplenty to accomplish this and many other small tasks.
what would i give for an hour with my dad, an hour to take him shopping...at his pace. an hour to listen to his voice and his thoughts. an hour to hold his hand and feel his strength.
i am grateful for the pain in my knees, every twinge, the slowness of my gait...
reminds me of the value of my time and where i should choose to spend it.
then there is toothache, damn, i don't deal well with toothache... turns me into a sniveling sissy, begging for drugs and the immediate attentions of a dentist.
itching...hmmm...don't do very well with itching either. i mean...well hell...you just can't stop it. can you?
so pain wise i have pretty well breezed through life. regular dental check ups are a must. and a dedicated avoidance of mosquitoes, spiders, bed bugs and other nasty, itch causing insects... definitely desirable.
and then...
two weeks ago...
the ice...
the slip...
the damaged knees...
hah! a lesson in humility.
my body has always served me well. it is a quick healing, self recovery specialist. so, i hurt myself, so, i heal... even operations...with surgical instruments. the pain potential is limited, two days of pain killers, i'm up and at 'em again.
not this time...no siree!
this time i did myself proud...two weeks after the event and we still have... knee lock...oh yeah.
i have learned to walk with a delicacy not previously explored. stairs?...uhuh...with care. do not trip, do not turn too fast, avoid small children and furry animals. forget bending...hell, who needs to bend anyway. slow is good, slow is safe...
i remember my impatience when i took my dad shopping. not that i said anything, probably didn't need to, dad could probably sense the negative energy of my angst and irritation a mile away. forgive my arrogance, forgive my lack of understanding, my total absense of empathy. dad was in his late eighties, early nineties...he was stiff and he was in pain.he was a brit, a gentleman of the old school...he taught us kids the pride of a stoic, the value of a stiff upper lip. he moved slowly because he was in pain, he never complained.
i used to wish that my dad would just let me do his shopping for him ... it would have been quicker! the only thing i did do right was fume with frustration and yet hold my tongue.
everyone has a right to their pride, their independence. so maybe when folk grow older...they slow down a little. so effin' what!
we just have to learn... where lies the true value of time?
if we have time to listen to the chatter of children and the experiences of the elderly...
if we have time to amble through the shops at a pace which suits our companion...
if we have time to hold a hand, touch an arm, rub a back, massage aching feet...
if we have time to give and accept these love gifts...
does it matter if dinner is a little late...
the ironing is not finished...
the grass unmowed...
these chores will always be there, always need doing. when we realize the value of our time, we will spend it...with wisdom, with those we love, with those who need us.
i still have dishes to wash and time aplenty to accomplish this and many other small tasks.
what would i give for an hour with my dad, an hour to take him shopping...at his pace. an hour to listen to his voice and his thoughts. an hour to hold his hand and feel his strength.
i am grateful for the pain in my knees, every twinge, the slowness of my gait...
reminds me of the value of my time and where i should choose to spend it.
Sunday, 30 December 2007
mulberry wine
the table stained
with mulberry wine
spilled in a fist banging
moment
is quiet rage preferable
to loud exclamations
would the stains be less
evident
the ramifications
of wood newly stained
with plump red drops still
sliding
small rivulets of mulberry
extending and expanding
wayward in their path
earthwards
the tale of quick rising
vine fueled wrath
the seeds of maturity long
buried
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
Saturday, 22 December 2007
who the dickens are digg?
they banned lesbiatopia
they banned just a girl in short shorts
they banned cap'n dyke...
who are these digg people?
do they practice homophobia?
this is just not cricket....
down with digg ... stand up and be counted!
Monday, 17 December 2007
the witch is back
ding dong ding dong
the witch is back
my five foot nothing, italian/jewish....
princess is back!
weaving her spells, making my knees weak.
yep! and all this from 4000 miles away ;-)
i am so effin' pleased... yihaaaaaa!
the witch is back
my five foot nothing, italian/jewish....
princess is back!
weaving her spells, making my knees weak.
yep! and all this from 4000 miles away ;-)
i am so effin' pleased... yihaaaaaa!
Sunday, 16 December 2007
walk about
i think it might be time for designatedwriter to take some time off. take a bit of a mental walk about.
this blog was to be about the good and bad times, the trials and traumas of my long distance relationship with herself.
i always imagined that we would be together forever...
the fates begged to differ.
perhaps, some time in the future, cupid's arrow will once more pierce my heart and i will feel the need to write...
about love, lust and laughter.
rather difficult for me to imagine right now, while my heart is still owned by a missing but magical muse.
so...
a break...
a time to mend...
allow me to share a few of the many, many poems i wrote for herself.
love is
a sweet obsession
a chain reaction exploding
heart and mind and soul
allowing fusion of two souls
two bodies
two minds
in one burning nova
designed by the creator
to grow and become as one
in the gentle spirituality
of love forever deepening
never fear the passion
driven by, given by
the universe
in wondrous understanding
of our human separateness
our inability to cleave
one to another
without first experiencing
the magnificent obsession
the fire of the new
engulfing the senses
removing our barriers of protection
in an unending need to experience
the other
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
would you
would you choose
to be adored
pursued and courted
seldom bored
would you choose
a woman boy
who so desires
to bring you joy
would you choose
the poet's heart
that so yearns
when far apart
would you choose
a mind quite strange
filled with thoughts
allowed free range
would you choose
to share my space
walk together
and keep pace
would you choose
to love me so
eternal endless
timeless flow
would you choose
would you dare
to be together
everywhere
would you choose
the different way
caring not
what others say
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
lost heart
time staggers from minute to minute
in a drawn out parody of reality
an hour, a day, eternity
the reflected gaze endured
the sight of empty eyes
a mirror of the emptiness
of the mourning soul
the leaden weight of a lost heart
still beating when there is no need
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
a little less
blue skies today and sunshine
my pain a little less
my heart a little lighter
perhaps love is only an addiction
causing agonizing withdrawal
day three, day seven
three weeks, three months
enduring addictive resurgences
upsurges of regret
for the lost love ,the missing romance
nudging at the brain,causing irritation
feelings of self denial
once more requiring willpower
perhaps love is only a habit
which if resisted will retreat
turning the pain of today
into the gentle memory of tomorrow
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
obsession
the words which once ran free
stir sluggish in the river bed
run dry in a land of drought
the arid landscape taunts
the wordsmith without prose
lost in a dream without a muse
in self defence the muse has fled
cloak clasped tight around her
face invisible beneath the black hood
a widow without the benefit of death
no longer able to endure the pain
the sharp edge of obsession
no words exist to share the pain
endured by a word spinner sans muse
the careless swirl of inspiration
now absent in a mind grown still
the process of thought dormant
language now a tasteless dish
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
beloved she
beloved she wolf
words of love
pour sweetly from my mind
my heart, my soul
they flow free and easy
to my fingertips
an eternal outpouring
a celebration of gratitude
for my woman
my beloved she wolf
she who knows my mind
understands the wild in me
she who runs the night with me
enjoying the dark silence
the play of moonlight
the smell of damp earth
revels in the play of wind
she, companion of my days, my nights
she who sees the magic in the stars
wise enough to consider the impossible
strong enough to have faith in the unprovable
she who loves me
for who i am
beloved she wolf
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
my friend
i lost more than my love
when i walked away
i lost my friend
i lost her laughter and her sparkle
her intelligence and wit
i left behind the fun times
the giggles and the play
the quiet times, so comfortable
the odd comment passed
or sentence read aloud
i lost my friend, my confidant
i left her admiration, her respect
the company of her understanding
i will ever mourn her loss
such a friend is precious
a universal gift
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
i dream
i dream of you
now at last i dream of you
i dream of you now i have lost you
the mind a subtle torture chamber
taunting with past images
emotional failure
at last allows access
to the memory bed of us
why now
this parade of past happiness
prising me from sleep
in the cold sweat of lost future
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
this blog was to be about the good and bad times, the trials and traumas of my long distance relationship with herself.
i always imagined that we would be together forever...
the fates begged to differ.
perhaps, some time in the future, cupid's arrow will once more pierce my heart and i will feel the need to write...
about love, lust and laughter.
rather difficult for me to imagine right now, while my heart is still owned by a missing but magical muse.
so...
a break...
a time to mend...
allow me to share a few of the many, many poems i wrote for herself.
love is
a sweet obsession
a chain reaction exploding
heart and mind and soul
allowing fusion of two souls
two bodies
two minds
in one burning nova
designed by the creator
to grow and become as one
in the gentle spirituality
of love forever deepening
never fear the passion
driven by, given by
the universe
in wondrous understanding
of our human separateness
our inability to cleave
one to another
without first experiencing
the magnificent obsession
the fire of the new
engulfing the senses
removing our barriers of protection
in an unending need to experience
the other
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
would you
would you choose
to be adored
pursued and courted
seldom bored
would you choose
a woman boy
who so desires
to bring you joy
would you choose
the poet's heart
that so yearns
when far apart
would you choose
a mind quite strange
filled with thoughts
allowed free range
would you choose
to share my space
walk together
and keep pace
would you choose
to love me so
eternal endless
timeless flow
would you choose
would you dare
to be together
everywhere
would you choose
the different way
caring not
what others say
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
lost heart
time staggers from minute to minute
in a drawn out parody of reality
an hour, a day, eternity
the reflected gaze endured
the sight of empty eyes
a mirror of the emptiness
of the mourning soul
the leaden weight of a lost heart
still beating when there is no need
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
a little less
blue skies today and sunshine
my pain a little less
my heart a little lighter
perhaps love is only an addiction
causing agonizing withdrawal
day three, day seven
three weeks, three months
enduring addictive resurgences
upsurges of regret
for the lost love ,the missing romance
nudging at the brain,causing irritation
feelings of self denial
once more requiring willpower
perhaps love is only a habit
which if resisted will retreat
turning the pain of today
into the gentle memory of tomorrow
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
obsession
the words which once ran free
stir sluggish in the river bed
run dry in a land of drought
the arid landscape taunts
the wordsmith without prose
lost in a dream without a muse
in self defence the muse has fled
cloak clasped tight around her
face invisible beneath the black hood
a widow without the benefit of death
no longer able to endure the pain
the sharp edge of obsession
no words exist to share the pain
endured by a word spinner sans muse
the careless swirl of inspiration
now absent in a mind grown still
the process of thought dormant
language now a tasteless dish
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
beloved she
beloved she wolf
words of love
pour sweetly from my mind
my heart, my soul
they flow free and easy
to my fingertips
an eternal outpouring
a celebration of gratitude
for my woman
my beloved she wolf
she who knows my mind
understands the wild in me
she who runs the night with me
enjoying the dark silence
the play of moonlight
the smell of damp earth
revels in the play of wind
she, companion of my days, my nights
she who sees the magic in the stars
wise enough to consider the impossible
strong enough to have faith in the unprovable
she who loves me
for who i am
beloved she wolf
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
my friend
i lost more than my love
when i walked away
i lost my friend
i lost her laughter and her sparkle
her intelligence and wit
i left behind the fun times
the giggles and the play
the quiet times, so comfortable
the odd comment passed
or sentence read aloud
i lost my friend, my confidant
i left her admiration, her respect
the company of her understanding
i will ever mourn her loss
such a friend is precious
a universal gift
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
i dream
i dream of you
now at last i dream of you
i dream of you now i have lost you
the mind a subtle torture chamber
taunting with past images
emotional failure
at last allows access
to the memory bed of us
why now
this parade of past happiness
prising me from sleep
in the cold sweat of lost future
All materials Copyright © 2004-2007 by Eryll Oellermann
Saturday, 15 December 2007
where would we be
As soon as I was certain I was in love with 'herself'... I came out. I came out to my children, my family and to my friends.
They took the news with admirable aplomb.
I am aware that a few would still prefer me to fall for some hunky, hairy man and resume my previous straight lifestyle.
There might well be one or two who would prefer I take vows, enter a convent and live out my life in celibacy!
Yeah well...and we all know that ain't about to happen.
So, all in all I had a pretty easy ride on the coming out train.
When I moved to Scotland, I felt no particular need to ascend a local steeple and pronounce my queerness. Herself was not in residence with me. There was no one I felt close enough to that I needed to share the simple fact that I was lesbian. After all there is more to me ...
If someone is sufficiently interested in me and they feel a need to ask about anything in my life...
Well, I am a communicator, a master in the art of thought sharing... ask and you will receive.
I met ScotsLass, we worked together, we became friends... she fed me delicious meals, we drank copious glasses of wine, we shared many wonderful hours together. We were really good friends and I had still not mentioned the fact that i was queer.
Until this Thursday. Whilst in the village I popped in for a cup of coffee and a bit of a blether with SL. My friend had a surprise for me... her man had bought her a laptop, come Tuesday next week...they would have an internet connection. SC was delighted she would finally be able to read my blogs!
Oh fudge! I almost choked on my last sip of coffee. Read my blogs... omg...she had no idea of my sexual preferences. She knew of Manfred, the children the grandchildren, she knew I had a very dear friend in the States who I visited frequently.
Time to come clean. For the first time I felt fear. I love this girl...
I value her friendship...
I enjoy her company...
Damn...these days i even understand her Scots accents. Well mostly!
What if...
So I sashayed over to SL and her new laptop, I swallowed...
"ummmm...about my blogs...ummmm...there's something I need to tell you...ummmmm"
By now SL is starting to look rather alarmed, her eyes widen and I imagine the thought process taking place...
"omg...this crazy friend of mine, this nomadic wanderer, this escapee from Africa...
this person who has eaten my food and drunk my wine and petted my dogs...
Eryll, the articulate is soooo tongue tied, her blog must be ... at the very least...pornographic!"
I take my cowardly self in hand...
"Well ummmm...actually...ummm...I'm kind of bi sexual...
my friend..."herself" was actually my lover, my partner"
Bloody hell, what a twit! I ask you with tears in my eyes...kind of bi sexual. That was the best I could do...oy vay!
A smile to light a dark day broke across her face. She threw her head back and laughed...
"Well I had my own suspicions" she said.
"Why were you so nervous about telling me...you idiot...you are my friend!"
Friends...where would we be without them?
They took the news with admirable aplomb.
I am aware that a few would still prefer me to fall for some hunky, hairy man and resume my previous straight lifestyle.
There might well be one or two who would prefer I take vows, enter a convent and live out my life in celibacy!
Yeah well...and we all know that ain't about to happen.
So, all in all I had a pretty easy ride on the coming out train.
When I moved to Scotland, I felt no particular need to ascend a local steeple and pronounce my queerness. Herself was not in residence with me. There was no one I felt close enough to that I needed to share the simple fact that I was lesbian. After all there is more to me ...
If someone is sufficiently interested in me and they feel a need to ask about anything in my life...
Well, I am a communicator, a master in the art of thought sharing... ask and you will receive.
I met ScotsLass, we worked together, we became friends... she fed me delicious meals, we drank copious glasses of wine, we shared many wonderful hours together. We were really good friends and I had still not mentioned the fact that i was queer.
Until this Thursday. Whilst in the village I popped in for a cup of coffee and a bit of a blether with SL. My friend had a surprise for me... her man had bought her a laptop, come Tuesday next week...they would have an internet connection. SC was delighted she would finally be able to read my blogs!
Oh fudge! I almost choked on my last sip of coffee. Read my blogs... omg...she had no idea of my sexual preferences. She knew of Manfred, the children the grandchildren, she knew I had a very dear friend in the States who I visited frequently.
Time to come clean. For the first time I felt fear. I love this girl...
I value her friendship...
I enjoy her company...
Damn...these days i even understand her Scots accents. Well mostly!
What if...
So I sashayed over to SL and her new laptop, I swallowed...
"ummmm...about my blogs...ummmm...there's something I need to tell you...ummmmm"
By now SL is starting to look rather alarmed, her eyes widen and I imagine the thought process taking place...
"omg...this crazy friend of mine, this nomadic wanderer, this escapee from Africa...
this person who has eaten my food and drunk my wine and petted my dogs...
Eryll, the articulate is soooo tongue tied, her blog must be ... at the very least...pornographic!"
I take my cowardly self in hand...
"Well ummmm...actually...ummm...I'm kind of bi sexual...
my friend..."herself" was actually my lover, my partner"
Bloody hell, what a twit! I ask you with tears in my eyes...kind of bi sexual. That was the best I could do...oy vay!
A smile to light a dark day broke across her face. She threw her head back and laughed...
"Well I had my own suspicions" she said.
"Why were you so nervous about telling me...you idiot...you are my friend!"
Friends...where would we be without them?
Wednesday, 12 December 2007
I am a true Androgyne
Damn, gliding and sliding through the blogosphere is an exceptionally time consuming occupation. Truth to tell....i sometimes worry (just a tad) that my brain might actually...well, you know...like disappear into the void. Become one with the ether, leaving my forsaken body, slumped over my computer.. to starve. Forget spontaneous combustion as a way out, me i'm going for the net/mind meld.
So anyway, today I followed a comment from HahnatHome
to PiscesDrowning,
from there I followed a link to Lesbiatobia
and finally on to the quiz
Having completed said quiz, a formerly unknown truth was revealed...I am an Androgyne!
Evidently...I am so adaptable...I can live with anyone.
Yup, that's me...one happy little chameleon ;-)
It was a fun quiz and as I am still an apprentice in the lesbian stakes, I am always delighted to come across new and important info. Ask me to define myself...not a problem..I have the answer. I, Eryll, poet and previously straight person... I am an Androgyne.
Which actually sounds somewhat robotic but I can live with that.
Ladies, ladies...should you be desperately seeking...
a previously straight, now definitely lesbian, seriously unattached Androgyne...
I'm your girl ;-)
So anyway, today I followed a comment from HahnatHome
to PiscesDrowning,
from there I followed a link to Lesbiatobia
and finally on to the quiz
Having completed said quiz, a formerly unknown truth was revealed...I am an Androgyne!
Evidently...I am so adaptable...I can live with anyone.
Yup, that's me...one happy little chameleon ;-)
It was a fun quiz and as I am still an apprentice in the lesbian stakes, I am always delighted to come across new and important info. Ask me to define myself...not a problem..I have the answer. I, Eryll, poet and previously straight person... I am an Androgyne.
Which actually sounds somewhat robotic but I can live with that.
Ladies, ladies...should you be desperately seeking...
a previously straight, now definitely lesbian, seriously unattached Androgyne...
I'm your girl ;-)
Monday, 10 December 2007
lesbian drama
ahhh...lesbian drama...
there was a time...i had no idea what that meant...those were the days!
jersey girl and her gf were back together...jubilations. jg was happy, gf was happy and eryll the counselor, the wise, the sensible eryll, could bow out and return to her former more or less responsibility free life style.
it lasted nearly a week.
i was so pleased, i love my friends, i like them to be happy. do not mess with my friends. in the delicate matter of a disagreement between lovers...one must walk the tightrope of sympathy with balanced discretion. after all, we are crossing a chasm, one slip and we are in the abyss. our friend may despise their lover today, tomorrow...they kiss and make up. the world is full of sunshine and our friend should rather not be remembering how we slagged her beloved off...
oh no....
almost a week.
dad nab it...time to kick arse. time to speak out, tell the truth...to hell with delicacy. some people just do not recognize a good deal when they find it.
you have a right to be happy jg...you deserve better...hang in there, believe in your own value
Wednesday, 5 December 2007
abandoning arrogance or ...
omg...i had absolutely no idea! i was wandering around in woeful ignorance...
the lesbian world has a pecking order...
the farm is very quiet, i am looking for intelligent repartee. i am in dire need of distraction. i am nowhere near ready to hit the dating scene, herself still curls inside my heart in a most proprietary fashion.
what to do... match.com was always the answer in the past, but... my fascination with intelligent, well educated american women...has to end.
match.com uk lacks a certain something, like women who will answer an email or even wink back.
the pinksofa is the only answer, a fun internet site, populated by real women, who will actually engage ...
my heart is not really with the whole process, but i must at least attempt to interact with other single lesbians.
i now only consider profiles with photos, i am through wasting my time...life is short!
and so i found the English Professor...ahbloodyhah! experience, where the dickens would we be without it.goodness only knows what the woman was doing on an internet site. EP disliked writing and reading emails..
and here i must quote, as to keep this pearl of written wisdom to myself. would be selfish and most inconsiderate..
"I do like well punctuated writing as I think it makes it clear. If you don´t mind my saying I think deliberate ommission of capitals and self-concious punctuation can get tiresome. Rather like William Borrows technique of writing the text then mixing it up and letting ther eader make sense of it.
It is also somewhat duplicitous in that it is hiding something about the writer.
I am a teacher of English and Literacy (Post Grad) so am quite keen on this sort of thing. I like reading stuff but it gets tiring as I read and write all the time. So, to me, it rapidly becomes a chore, especially text that is demanding."
well...as we all know i do tend to omit capitals...hmmm
as to self-conscious punctuation...i would not recognize it if it bit me on the arse ;-)
naturally, being the arrogant aristo that i am...
i replied..ah well, it was fun while it lasted!
i digress..lesbian pecking order...
self same EP made a point of informing me that she was not surprised that i turned out to be a disappointment and i quote...
"I lived/live a very lesbian feminist life choosing to be child free. It means that I have a problem understanding women who identify as lesbians but live with men and have their children. I don´t judge you understand but it is a very different experience from mine."
second to last email and i quote ...
"I want to meet someone who has a similar life experience.
You were very charming and I didn´t want to be rude. I thought I would try to get to know you and maybe I would change my mind. However you helped me see who I am looking for - if I am looking for anyone. My partners tend to be women who - like me - are out lesbians. It´s a very different way of being in the world."
lessons to be learned:-
beware polite english professors!
know your place in the pecking order!
stick to writing poetry and blogs!
find out what "out" actually means!
when in need of distraction, take up line dancing!
not bad for two days and a handful of interesting emails....
the lesbian world has a pecking order...
the farm is very quiet, i am looking for intelligent repartee. i am in dire need of distraction. i am nowhere near ready to hit the dating scene, herself still curls inside my heart in a most proprietary fashion.
what to do... match.com was always the answer in the past, but... my fascination with intelligent, well educated american women...has to end.
match.com uk lacks a certain something, like women who will answer an email or even wink back.
the pinksofa is the only answer, a fun internet site, populated by real women, who will actually engage ...
my heart is not really with the whole process, but i must at least attempt to interact with other single lesbians.
i now only consider profiles with photos, i am through wasting my time...life is short!
and so i found the English Professor...ahbloodyhah! experience, where the dickens would we be without it.goodness only knows what the woman was doing on an internet site. EP disliked writing and reading emails..
and here i must quote, as to keep this pearl of written wisdom to myself. would be selfish and most inconsiderate..
"I do like well punctuated writing as I think it makes it clear. If you don´t mind my saying I think deliberate ommission of capitals and self-concious punctuation can get tiresome. Rather like William Borrows technique of writing the text then mixing it up and letting ther eader make sense of it.
It is also somewhat duplicitous in that it is hiding something about the writer.
I am a teacher of English and Literacy (Post Grad) so am quite keen on this sort of thing. I like reading stuff but it gets tiring as I read and write all the time. So, to me, it rapidly becomes a chore, especially text that is demanding."
well...as we all know i do tend to omit capitals...hmmm
as to self-conscious punctuation...i would not recognize it if it bit me on the arse ;-)
naturally, being the arrogant aristo that i am...
i replied..ah well, it was fun while it lasted!
i digress..lesbian pecking order...
self same EP made a point of informing me that she was not surprised that i turned out to be a disappointment and i quote...
"I lived/live a very lesbian feminist life choosing to be child free. It means that I have a problem understanding women who identify as lesbians but live with men and have their children. I don´t judge you understand but it is a very different experience from mine."
second to last email and i quote ...
"I want to meet someone who has a similar life experience.
You were very charming and I didn´t want to be rude. I thought I would try to get to know you and maybe I would change my mind. However you helped me see who I am looking for - if I am looking for anyone. My partners tend to be women who - like me - are out lesbians. It´s a very different way of being in the world."
lessons to be learned:-
beware polite english professors!
know your place in the pecking order!
stick to writing poetry and blogs!
find out what "out" actually means!
when in need of distraction, take up line dancing!
not bad for two days and a handful of interesting emails....
Tuesday, 4 December 2007
about blogging
There are three things i especially love about blogging..
the cap'n
margo moon
hahnathome
i enjoy their writing, their style, the subjects they tackle. i appreciate the fact that the world still supports individuality and the unquestionable fact that ...these fine ladies possess it in spades.
the blogosphere provides it's own wisdom, a unique support system and the opportunity to really have fun.
no limits asked for, no limits set.
search and you will find.
freedom to write, freedom to be...
a cowgirl on a ranch
a piratical seadyke
enriched by the experience of lori
there is an ever present magic which draws us towards that which we need at any given time.
for me...these are my blog gurus
blogmeisters
rock on ladies...the pen is indeed mightier than the sword!
oh yeah...another thing i just love... stats, those world maps with all the little bubbles showing where our readers hang their hats...
man, how wicked is that?
the cap'n
margo moon
hahnathome
i enjoy their writing, their style, the subjects they tackle. i appreciate the fact that the world still supports individuality and the unquestionable fact that ...these fine ladies possess it in spades.
the blogosphere provides it's own wisdom, a unique support system and the opportunity to really have fun.
no limits asked for, no limits set.
search and you will find.
freedom to write, freedom to be...
a cowgirl on a ranch
a piratical seadyke
enriched by the experience of lori
there is an ever present magic which draws us towards that which we need at any given time.
for me...these are my blog gurus
blogmeisters
rock on ladies...the pen is indeed mightier than the sword!
oh yeah...another thing i just love... stats, those world maps with all the little bubbles showing where our readers hang their hats...
man, how wicked is that?
Sunday, 2 December 2007
permission to wallow
saturday was pretty bleak. the skies of scotland, loomed leaden, as is their wont this time of year. the mists curled up and over the land in the timeless flirtation of air and earth.yesterday, even the rhythm of the intermittent rain, beating on the double glazing sounded cheerless.
herself would have arrived yesterday, her plane would have landed at glasgow at 7.30 in the morning! i would have needed to be up and about really early, glasgow is about a two hour drive from our haunting hills. my girl would have run into my arms and the sun would have started shining, for me, at least.
"breaking up is hard to do", despite my determination to move forward, the magnet of memory, draws my thoughts to the past. memories of our laughter, the feel of herself in my arms, the unsurpassed joy of breathing in the scent of the woman i love.
so...yesterday i gave myself permission to wallow in my grey world, i allowed my sadness to seep through my whole, unhindered. i cried for a future lost.
today, i awake alone. the sky still drips and drizzles, grey clouds still hang low.today however, my reality is different, today i see the robin.
the farmhouse is surrounded by an old, old stone wall. the wall in places, is moss covered. over time stones have moved and fallen leaving crevices and gaps. the robins love this wall, they hippitty hop...on, over and through. they find tasty morsels on the moss covered stones and they use the empty spaces to shelter from the rain.
i guess every life will have empty places, spaces left by those you love as they move on. it took a robin to remind me, that every echoing space has a purpose, that in time, the pain will ease and the memories of love will provide comfort.
Friday, 30 November 2007
chapter's end
i'm done licking my wounds. my time line is rushing by and i definitely feel, i should waste no more of my alloted span in self pity than is absolutely necessary. were i five years younger, this wolf would remain in the lair, lying low, dreaming of if only's and what if's, i would write dramatic heart rendering poetry about lost love and broken hearts. this wolf would howl of misery until the universe sent someone new to shut me up.
herself was a real woman, intelligent and talented, wild and wonderful. she brought love and joy and a new richness to my life. i thank her and i honour her. I wish her a future full of love and magic.
so, no disrespect intentioned to herself, my muse, for my perhaps unseemly rush to throw myself back into life. my eagerness to begin again...
to renew my search for my holy grail.
the she, the her, the one...
my dream sharer, my spell weaver, companion of my heart.
the woman who will share my desire for togetherness and my passion for adventure.
the woman who will understand the wolf and the nomad within and will not fear them.
the end of a chapter is just that. there is always another chapter or even a new book.
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